The five NYE resolutions I broke by January fifth.

Resolution one: No swearing.

This one isn’t even my fault, in fact it was totally beyond my control so I don’t even blame myself. Sometimes in life we are faced with challenges we can’t avoid and we react with hostility, it is normal. Sometimes aggression can’t be helped. So if I go ahead and politely tell the Starbucks barista that my name isn’t ‘Katrina’ how about you don’t tell me to lower my voice when I am already using my volume 4, indoor voice. How about then you don’t go get the manager and make me shove an old lady and call you an ‘Absolute &*%£ with no f$*&ing common sense, you piece of total $£$*, asking me to $£%&ing use my indoor $%&*ing voice. Go &%$£ yourself.’ Some people are just disgusting.

Resolution two: To do more things that my boyfriend likes.

How about don’t antagonise me when you already know how stressed I am about breaking my no swearing resolution. You  know asking me to go go-carting is gonna send me full-on off the rails. Also getting a barring order? Really funny. You $%&*ing a%%hole.

Resolution three: To put more thought into my life choices instead of being a reckless mess who makes decisions on a whim and Eight Tequila shots.

Ok, so got a tattoo but I totally thought about it for at least half an hour while the tattoo artist set up.

Resolution four: To stop breaking up with my boyfriend on a weekly basis.

Turns out getting a tattoo of your boyfriend’s name on a whim will lead to him having a discussion with you about how ‘intense’ and ‘suffocating’ you can be. That then leads to a raging argument at the wake of a good family friend. He uses that as an opportunity to give you a lecture about there being a ‘time and place’ for things etc. Broke right up with that loser.

Resolution five: To stop writing blog-posts about my real-life experience because it upsets my boyfriend (Philip Larney) and my Parents because it is an ‘invasion of privacy’ and ‘down right disrespectful’.

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-CK.

The ten things I have learned over the midterm break. (So far)

1. Advising the guy you just met to ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself’ might lead to an uncomfortable conversation about your life choices and somehow the accusation of racial slurs.

2. Experimenting with fashion in order to fulfill some deep-routed necessity to be cool will lead to your parents asking you questions about your mental well-being. It will also lead to you looking like you were dressed by a young child for fun but also like a prostitute who doesn’t own a mirror or have any self-respect.

3. Complaining about the library opening times to the librarian will lead to her swearing under her breath and making some ‘get a life’ comment.

4. Telling your mother to ‘mind her own business’ is a bad idea.

5. Apologising to your mother for your narky ‘mind your own business’ comment might lead to her accusing you of being insincere.

6. The argument that follows with your mother will lead to you asking questions like ‘why did you even HAVE ME?’

7. Running into old friends and asking questions like ‘OH MY GOD ARE YOU PREGNANT?’ Is a bad idea.

8. Following up that mistake with an awkward, anti-social comment like ‘hey, bank holiday weekend weight, amIright?

9. Getting drunk on red wine and openly discussing your life choices with strangers instead of with your real friends will lead to resentment, anger and a guy with a neck tattoo of a bat telling you that you should learn to play the didgeridoo and become a nudist.

10. Accusing your counsellor of not taking you seriously as a person and telling her she reminds you of your weird aunt who always smells like old stuff will lead to you spending the rest of your midterm looking for a therapist who encompasses everything you believe in and who smells of anything young.

-C.K

How to impress your boyfriend’s family at their Halloween party and have him totally not break up with you.

Step one: Epic, crowd pleasing costume and good manners.

So the first thing you’re gonna wanna do is think long and hard about your costume choice. What you’re gonna wanna avoid is going as something obscene and offensive. Going as a ‘virgin’ and dressing like his older brother is supposedly not ok. You should also avoid being politically incorrect all evening and yelling ‘F*** YOU SALLY’ at his Aunt Sally before dumping confetti on her and spilling wine on her ‘shitty, old bag lady costume.’

Step two: Don’t invite your own friends to the family party.

Not a good idea to invite the rehab gang to his folks shindig. You should probably avoid getting drunk and enabling Emily by calling her dealer and inviting him to the soireé as well. This will only lead to Emily losing 10 months of her intensive rehab plan, all of your friends being pissed at you and your boyfriend’s parents asking you to leave. Probably. This is totally hypothetical of course.

Step three: Don’t vomit on his little sister’s art project.

‘ART?! HAHAHAHAHA I totally didn’t mean to vomit on the art, looks like left over dinner, I didn’t realise.’ Apparently is not an appropriate justification.

Step four: Don’t get so drunk that you cry and call your dad at 4am to come get you from their pond, which you have been refusing to get out of for the last 45 minutes. 

Step five: Don’t try to make amends the next day by making an 80s mix-tape and playing it outside his window. Then don’t get into a fight with his mother on the lawn. Don’t tell her she has a weird attachment to her son. Definitely don’t use the ‘I’ word. You should refrain from hitting his sister and telling her she resembles an ape. You should probably avoid daring them to call the cops. Then, you shouldn’t assault the cop and make a huge scene in the local police station, get a criminal record and go on to make a public shrine to your boyfriend to win him over.

Step six: Try not to hold a personal grudge against Halloween and end up in therapy for two years.

Thanks for reading! Tom, if you’re reading this, I’ve changed. I mean it. I won’t ever hit your sister again. I just need one chance.

-C.K

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How to make the make your boyfriend’s parents love you.

1. Take an interest in their hobbies.

They go to mass? Excellent, a simple way to bond with them. Ask if you can join them next Sunday. They will LOVE it. Now, don’t forget to go buy a HUGE cross necklace and a shit ton of rosary beads and a kippah, that’s Catholic, isn’t it? Go in costume too, all good Christians do this at mass. Dress as the virgin Mary to properly emphasise how wholesome you are. You will fit right in with his family and they will probably ask you to start calling them ‘mum’ and ‘dad’. Another pro, at least this way you don’t have to try remember their names.

‘Nancy or some shizz? But I don’t know what her name is.’

2. Compliment their home.

Quick and easy way to get on his mother’s good side. Don’t be too fake. Be honest and warm. Something like: ‘Your house is beautiful, makes my house look like a sh*thole.’ Or ‘No, don’t be crazy, this place is so tidy. You think this is untidy you should have seen my ex’s house, place was a freakin’ crack den.’ Congrats, his mother probably adores you now.

3. Pretend to have wholesome and charitable hobbies.

‘Yes, I read to blind kittens every Wednesday, it is just so rewarding.’

‘I can’t attend that mass I’m afraid, I have a meeting with the Alcoholics I am mentoring.’

4. Take his younger siblings under your wing.

His sister is 17? Perfect age to take her to an illegal poker game and a strip club. Gotta get acquainted with the real world sooner or later. Just tell his folks you took her to bible study.

5. Appear worldly.

Tell them you speak a bunch of languages fluently, they’ll love it. When they inevitably ask you to say something in French (or whatever other language you lied about speaking) just wing it: ‘Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?’

Congratulations, your boyfriend’s parents now love you. You fit right in with the entire family. Start thinking about what you’ll wear in the next family photo. Sure, you lied a little but they’ll never know just as long as you don’t forget the lies. You’re welcome.

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-C.K

How to be a woman.

Remove all body hair!

Baby fresh! Just the way men like it! Trust me; it’s the first step to gaining the affections of the opposite sex. It’ll only cost you a few thousand on laser hair removal and/or waxing a year. Nobody wants to cuddle up to a gorilla at night. Also, remove that natural tash, we don’t want men thinking we’re human. I like to say I am going to a tea party or a ‘woman related thing’ when my man asks me where I am going on wax day. Don’t forget your headscarf and sunglasses; we don’t want the neighbours to talk.

2. Everyone loves a damsel…

Act significantly dumber than you are. Simple as. Men love to swoop in and save the day. It’s important you don’t act intelligent or capable as it will only make your Neanderthal feel unneeded and inadequate. Start with ‘I can’t open this jar’ or ‘I can’t reach this self’. He’ll think ‘silly, adorable woman’ and pat you on the head. Success. His self-esteem= boosted. Woman’s job done.

3. Perfume.

It is of vital importance that we don’t give away our secrets to men. They cannot ever find out that we weren’t born with that Marc Jacobs scent and instead we purchase it for eighty euro a bottle on a yearly basis. We cannot ruin the illusion. Make sure to be cloaked in a suffocating amount of perfume at all times. Men like their women to smell sweet and intoxicating at all times. Fact.

4. Fake eyelashes.

No real man wants a gal who has eyelashes less than a few centimetres. Can’t see? Suck it up. Looking good for your man is more important than sight.

5. Underwear.

Despite the fact he wears unattractive baggy underwear that reminds you of a fourteen year old that doesn’t mean you should follow suit. Your man expects sex appeal. Constantly. No matter where you are or what you’re doing make sure to have that lacy, tight corset and non-existent thong on so your man isn’t repulsed by you. You should always resemble a little gift waiting to be unwrapped. Your ribs might by hyper-sensitive from the snug corset but think of how much prettier you look. You look like you just walked off the set of a Robin Thicke video and I am sure your man loves it!

6. Nail Paint?!!?

I know this is going to sound bizarre but get some paint and coat your finger and toenails with it. It shows you’re feminine and makes you pretty during mating season.

7. Heels.

I don’t mean that bottom part of your foot, I mean high heels. Heels make you look a few inches taller and make clicky noises when you walk. Nuff said.

8. Lipstick.

Cover your lips with a gluey lip coating for extra sex appeal. Red is the best colour. Men love red. Red is the colour of beauty. Be sure to ignore the natural outline of your lips. Instead buy a lip pencil and draw a new outline. A bigger, prettier one. Men love that Scarlett Johansson pout.

Hopefully by now you have accumulated some of the basics required to make your caveman think you are attractive, like a Barbie Doll. So, in conclusion, being hairless, colourful, and a few inches taller than you really are will give you the best opportunity to attract a male. Don’t forget that push up bra. Men love those fatty mammary glands. How primal of them. Good luck on your quest for survival! You will need it. It’s a man eat man world out there.

-C.K

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How to have a productive weekend. By Christina Kenny: Full-time bad-ass and haver of productive weekends.

Step one: Don’t get distracted by unrelated activities.

He hasn’t called you in like four hours, WHATEVER. Not like you guys had a major fight or anything, especially about his ex-hag of a girlfriend Laura.

Step two: Stop wearing trousers.

Trousers are just holding you back from being the zen goddess you are. How are you expected to write a best-selling novel or paint a master-piece with expensive fabric coating your legs? You want to be at one with nature. Feel the grass touch your skin. Don’t shower either. That natural musk is grounding you.

Ringing phone? Ignore that asshole, he doesn’t deserve your time.

Step three: Stay up really late Friday and make up for it most of Saturday.

Go out, drink, have fun with your friends. How else are you gonna get inspired!? You are making memories here. Sure, vomiting on the waitress at the time seems bad but it is merely shaping you into the worldly and cultured woman you are supposed to become. All geniuses have interesting histories. Make sure to sleep until around 2pm on Saturday. An artist can’t be expected to produce greatness on only a few hours sleep!

OH MY GOD. He did not just call you ‘babe’. WHAT A PATRONISING DOUCHE.

Step four: Take the time to start watching a new reality show.

Trust me, it’ll just help you relax in between huge epiphanies that will shape humanity, nothing more. Besides you can’t just watch the first episode of Jersey Shore and not find out if Snooki and JWow become besties like you hoped!

You know what? You made him all that he is. He doesn’t deserve you. Ignore the constantly beeping phone. Turn it off.

Step five: Ignore everyone around you.

Your family and friends are probably holding you back creatively.
‘Walk the dogs’
‘Clean the shower’
‘How did you manage to forget to pick up granny from the airport?!’
UGH. CAN’T THEY SEE YOU ARE TRYING TO HAVE A PRODUCTIVE WEEKEND.

Step six: Shake up your diet.

This will inspire you to think outside the box. Doritos and/or cereal from the box without milk are always good options. You got some on the sofa and all over yourself?! Who cares?! You are making magic here!

Doritos….Colin loved doritos…maybe I should turn that phone back on.

Step seven: Don’t be afraid to take breaks.

There is no shame in starting your master project and taking a quick break to nap or play a useful game like Odd Socks.

Just text him saying: ‘WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU.’

Step eight: Don’t let haterz ruin your productive weekend.

‘I CAN’T GO TO MASS RIGHT NOW MAM. FUNERAL OR NO FUNERAL I AM KINDA TRYING TO WRITE A BEST SELLING NOVEL THIS WEEKEND.’

Step nine: Changing plans.

Ok, ok so it’s Sunday night and you kinda haven’t really done anything. That’s ok, just make a plan for next weekend..right after that Friends marathon.
Include:Make pro and con list about that twat Colin cos he like totally doesn’t deserve your time. Remember that one time he called you ‘Christine’ cos he momentarily forgot your name? ASS-WIPE.

-C.K

FRIDAY

 

Sunday

The wonderful benefits of still having braces aged 20.

1. Looking fourteen and a half.

Everything is cheaper! Cinema tickets, theme park admission, everything! Just as long as you don’t want to get into a bar or a non-PG 13 movie you’re all good! This really is the life. Sure, next to your boyfriend you look like you’re being abducted but hey, gotta weigh up those pros and cons!

2. That glow in every photo.

Smile big and proud! From now on every photo you take is difficult to look at due to the huge glare that occurs when your metal mouth and the flash meet. Your friends will love having photos taken with you. Gives each photo that unique glow.

3. Forever a child.

You’ve had braces for the last four years and you literally haven’t aged at all. Just looking back at all of those ‘old’ family photos you don’t know if they were taken three years ago or last week, unless one of your friends is also in the photo. In which case you get to observe how she elegantly transformed from ugly duckling to swan while you’re standing next to her with your spinach embedded metal.

4. Awkward situations.

Absent mindedly biting on the edge of your sleeve in a lecture and then you notice that the fibres are stuck in your brackets. This is awkward and embarrassing. I am sure nobody will notice you awkwardly shuffling a little to break it free. Ok so that didn’t work and you seem to be gathering a crowd. Just ask the friend sitting next to you, the one looking the other way for help. She’ll be glad to lend a hand and it’ll be a proud friendship moment for all.

5. Sex appeal.

Whoever thinks a 20 year old with braces doesn’t sound hot clearly hasn’t seen one after any meal. All of those little metal spokes just storing up your food for later give you a competitive edge over the girl with the pearly white veneers. Tanned skin, white teeth? BORING. You are basically a little walking ball of interesting.

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6. Inner beauty.

Throughout the time your friends and family may refer to as ‘the dark ages’ you really have blossomed on the inside. You’ve learned what it truly means to be beautiful. You don’t care about a superficial exterior anymore. That is exactly why you haven’t showered or used ay cosmetic products in almost two years. You also don’t want to buy into the latest fashions. Besides, that knitted dress gives you character and that shade of grey goes with everything!

7. The brace-face references.

They always make you smile. Sure your therapist said something about them being the main cause of your inability to look in the mirror without twitching or swearing but what does he know?!

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8. Getting over your fear of dentists.

At first you were nervous about getting braces but by the end of your treatment you are well adjusted to the terminology and what not. You haven’t cried for your mummy in over six months now! Things are really looking up. Sure, occasionally when he asks for an ‘upper left demon’ or ‘LOADS of power chain’ you sob a little but hey, improvement none the less. Sometimes you even come close to feeling a little relaxed. Although you will never be able to forget the pig-like squeal you let out when he asks for some ‘fozzy’.

Then, when that light starts to appear at the end of the world’s longest tunnel and your orthodontist finally tells you they’re coming off try to play it cool. Ok, so you peed yourself a little and started crying on the receptionist, nobody warned you it would be so emotional. There really was no need to call the police. You hear me Sulford clinic? CHILL THE F*&% OUT. Ok, so I got a tad emotional and disrupted some of the other patients. I really don’t see that as grounds for a restraining order and a battery charge. Like, whatever.

Some of the things people have said to me that are totally not ok to say to me, or anyone, ever.

1. ‘Your hair is so fluffy. Like candyfloss or cotton wool’.

Do you think that is a compliment? What does that even mean? You describe me like some kind of 1950s doll. On what level do you think that is appropriate? When is the last time you heard a person describe their ideal mate to have ‘cotton wool’ hair? Not usually high on anyone’s priority list. Maybe you meant it positively? Perhaps I could have been in some of those advertisements for hair products? Maybe I could be the before shot? Thanks gal, I definitely won’t be asking my therapist is my hair looks particularly woolen later.

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2. ‘Your nose is interesting’.

Well, I know it didn’t write any poetry lately or sell some of it’s original art so what exactly are you saying? No, it’s cool. I get it. My ski slope nose and I would like to leave now. Thanks.

3. ‘Have you ever heard of the fashion designer Paul-oh never mind, you defo haven’t.’

You are probably right. The underground city I live in doesn’t have fashion or clothes and I haven’t  left my shack in years anyway.

4. ‘I still can’t believe you guys have been dating for over two years. You are just SO different. I mean he’s so nice and you’re so….you guys are just so different!’

Why don’t you just kick me in the stomach? Yes, he somehow learned to get past how pure evil I am. Don’t worry though, his family have regular rituals where they douse me in holy water and pray in tongues.

5. ‘You are SO quirky’ typically immediately followed with ‘I love your jumper, it’s so retro.’

Thank you. I always wear this jumper when I am watching Countdown just before Bingo. It has 37 cats on it. I named ’em all.

I was going to continue but I have a date with some hair straighteners and my therapist.

-C.K

Making it through the exam period without being referred to a psychiatrist or getting into a physical altercation.

1. Live off coffee and energy drinks.

Your mother advised against it? What does she know? Down the red bull and the five espressos and you’ll be so wired you can stay awake for four days straight. Also, when you have extreme Diarrhoea that just means the energy drinks are working.

2. Empty your bank account.

The bus fare shouldn’t cost much and you can walk back to your apartment after the exam right? Wrong. You woke up late, so much for the espressos and missed the bus. The taxi cost your food allowance for the week and then when you get there the ‘cloakroom service’ are milk you even more. Let’s not forget all the exam binging. That 3am Mc Donald’s run isn’t free and no, strawberry milkshake is not one of your 5-a-day.

3. Find out if there is a shuttle bus…the day of your last exam.

Better late than never. Now you can get to the exam with ease and it’s free. You can relax now. Upon approach to the bus stop you notice that there are 300 people and a tiny paddy waggon. What can go wrong? After the herd of cattle somewhat dislocate your left shoulder you’re somehow still glass half full! You’ll stop by A &E after the exam. Knock back a naggin of vodka for the pain, besides it’ll make you more alert for the exam too.

4. Don’t go befriending strangers in the exam hall before the exam starts.

Your judgement is impaired. You haven’t slept properly in 8 days, you’re hyped on a mixture of coffee, sugary drinks, a shot for good luck and your roommate’s ADD meds. Ignore people. When you inevitably break this rule and you’re lying with your head on the lap of a philosophy student who keeps asking ‘what does it all mean?’ Don’t come crying to me.

5. Avoid everyone you know.

That’s right, if you want them to have any respect for you then they probably shouldn’t see your coffee and vomit stained jumper. They might ask questions like:

 ‘Do you have pink eye?’

‘When is the last time you showered?’

‘What is that on your top?’

‘Are you ok? Are you twitching?’

6. Don’t let this happen to your hair:

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 7. And finally don’t fall asleep in the exam.

There is no decent way to explain why you passed out an back handed the exam invigilator when she tried to wake you.

 

-C.K

Surviving a family wedding. Part one.

 

1. Be prepared to be yelled at, a lot.

‘What are you doing? You can’t grope the priest. Please start taking this rehearsal seriously!’

‘Didn’t anyone ever tell you that only the bride can wear white to the wedding?’

‘Who put the centre-pieces in the bin?’

‘A wedding is no place for racist jokes!!!’

2. Always find out who you’re talking to.

You’re mingling, being the excellent bridesmaid you’re supposed to be. You complimented the groom’s mother on her hat and you laughed at his creepy brother’s jokes whilst he was defo eye-f%*&ing the shizz outa you. Now, it’s getting late, it’s already 6pm for god’s sake and you’re a little bit wasted. Your beautiful red lipstick is no longer on your lips and your false eyelashes have been on your cheek for the last half hour. You’re talking to some old woman who won’t stop yapping on about how great the groom looks since he lost all that weight.

‘He just looks incredible, don’t ya think? That body!’

‘I guess. Hey, if you want a little play-time with him word on the street is he has been inside most people at this reception.  I’d go for it. Besides, we all know the bride has played around. I wonder why she’s not making eye contact with the best man. Ha.’

When the old hag is suddenly looking at you like you just tried to offer her heroine, it should be abundantly clear that she is the groom’s aunt or at least some relation of his or at least a normal, disgusted human being.  A normal person would realise this and pretend it’s a joke. A drunken, bitter bridesmaid with a fifth glass of wine however, may go on to tell her that the bride and the groom have had their ‘difficulties’ and that the bride defo has an eating disorder.

Don’t be that girl. Always find out how they know the bride and groom.

3. Don’t alter your bridesmaid dress without asking.

Apparently this will send your bridezilla into full rage mode. Extensions were pulled out, weaves were everywhere and now you’ll have to pay for her A &E trip, like whatever.

4. Don’t decide to make a speech after your sixth glass of wine.

‘Basically, to summarise: I am just glad Laura had her labia re-shaped. To the happy couple!’

5. Familiarise yourself with the church and type of mass they’ll have a few weeks in advance.

You think you’ve seen enough masses in television dramas to blend in? You should realise you’re wrong when you’re yelling ‘PRAISE JESUS’ between the vows and no one else is. Do not use this as an opportunity to take a solo on one of the hymns either.

 

Good luck with your own family wedding and remember, it’s supposedly not ok to ask the priest if he’s ever heard of the flying spaghetti monster religion or how much he gets paid. Ugh, whatever.

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-C.K