Five things I learned from Christmas shopping this week.

  1. It’s totally ok to be as rude as you like.

It is Christmas after all, the time of taking! You want the last scarf on sale as well? Sure, go right ahead and snatch it from me like a wild animal. I’m fine with that. Here, you want my coffee too?

  1. People are wonderfully honest.

You just came in for some lipstick for your mother but now the make-up artist is pointing out your ‘fine creases’ and ‘starter crows feet’. That’s fine, you never liked your face that much anyway, better buy all of the expensive products to fix the problem you didn’t know you had!

  1. It’s ok to avoid people.

There you are, casually browsing books for your dad when…oh no…there he is, your crazy ex! Just quietly shuffle to an aisle further away and stay calm. Oh no, he’s spotted you just as you’ve entered the self-help aisle, ha, isn’t this funny?! Best thing to do is to just point out that you don’t need a self-help book. ‘HEY, YOU, HAHA, I KNOW YOU SEE ME HERE, IN THE NEEDY AISLE BUT I REALLY JUST DID IT TO AVOID YOU. I’M FINE. I DON’T NEED ANY CHICKEN SOUP FOR MY SOUL. HA. HA. HA. WHO’S THAT? YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND?’

Solid, well played, super slick.

  1. People give unsolicited advice at Christmas.

Yeah and apparently this is totally fine. So, don’t be surprised when you decide to buy sexy underwear for your boyfriend that the sales assistant will insist you buy a push up bra and some gel inserts and a vest.

  1. Don’t ask strangers for advice.

Sweet old lady? Nah, think again, she hates you and everything you represent. When you try and explain your Adele or Taylor Swift present dilemma she might genuinely spit on you?!

-CK

Ten things my mother and I argued about last week.

  1. How deaf she is.

I yell, she can’t hear. I yell louder, she gets mad. I just can’t win. If you can’t hear me yelling ‘I THINK I HAVE THRUSH’ then I have to yell it louder, why are you pissed? So, half of Starbucks is staring? IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU CAN’T HEAR ME.

  1. Clothing choices.

Actual conversation surrounding a dress for a social outing.

Mother: ‘This is lovely, I love the pattern’.

Me: *Silence*

Mother: ‘Well??? What do you think?’

Me: ‘I think the 60s called and they want their potato sack back.’

Mother: ‘What?’

Me: ‘I THINK THE 60S CALLED AND THEY WANT THEIR POTATO SACK BACK.’

Mother: ‘Why are you yelling?’

Me: *Counting backwards from ten and taking shallow breaths*

Mother: ‘Did you say you want it back? What? Want what back?’

Me: ‘I hate this dress. It is fugly’.

Mother: ‘Fugly?’

Me: ‘JESUS I AM NOT WEARING THIS PIECE OF SHIT.’

Mother: ‘You are so rude.’

3. Facebook.

I literally can not cope with this one. First thing that trigger the argument is my mother somehow forgets the word ‘Ipad’ every time she asks me to go get it for her. How? Your guess is as good as mine. I am very annoyed at this point already and then it just blows up from there. It usually goes off from here.

Mother: ‘Christina, all of my friends deleted me? How? Why?’

Me: ‘What? What do you mean?’

Mother: ‘I cant see any of their statuses, I can only see me own.’

*At this point I get up and go look*

Me: ‘That is because you are on your own page, not your home page.’

Mother: ‘What is a home page?’

Me: ‘I can’t cope’.

Mother: ‘What?’

Me: ‘I CAN’T COPE’.

Mother: ‘WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME AGAIN?’

  1. How much Radiographers earn.

  1. My swearing. Should I even elaborate on this one?

  1. My lack of basic mathematical skills.

        I thought 80+80 was 190 and she seemed mildly enraged by this.

  1. My repetitive and ‘insufferable’ singing of ‘It’s a small world’.

  1. Planet of the apes.

  1. When I thought she said ‘George Mooney’, a guy we know, instead of ‘George Clooney’. This lead to a huge amount of confusion.

  1. Whether or not it was raining outside.

-C.K

Ten things nobody should be ashamed of.

1. That you plan your social life around the TV schedule. You can’t go out for Debbie’s 22nd birthday the same night of the Teen Mom 2 reunion episode, obviously. Just send Debbie a nice bunch of flowers, wait, no, you’re kind of a broke loser right now, just send Debbie your…ehh…kind regards, yeah that should do it.

 2. That you eat the cookie dough out of the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and just leave the crappy vanilla ice-cream for everyone else. You are a growing girl. People need to back off.

3. That you have failed your driving test so much that by the 4th and 5th attempt you were trying anything. Going from flirty, single gal who has a driving tester fetish to a gal who needs her license so she can get to and from the disadvantaged school she works at where she reads to the blind kids.

 4. That you were born prettier than everyone else. Not your fault. If it were up to you, you’d be just slighty above average but you were cursed with ice blue eyes and a body that one can bounce coins off.

 5. That your smug friends just moved in together and last week your boyfriend choked on his steak when you said a word that sounded like ‘marriage’.

 6. That your friends are joking about baby names and you can’t even accidentally trick your boyfriend into getting you preggers.

 7. That Philip literally avoids every conversation in which you make some suggestion about moving in together even though you read one of his texts to Mark about them possibly getting a place together.

8. That he keeps pushing you away when you’re just trying to love him.

9. THAT HE DIDN’T BUY YOU THAT DIAMOND RING YOU HINTED SO HEAVILY AT LAST TIME YOU GUYS WENT SHOPPING.

10. THAT HE CAN’T GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH TO JUST MAKE AN HONEST WOMAN OUT OF YOU.

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**I would like to dedicate this post to my now ex-boyfriend and possible future husband Philip.

-C.K

A week of notes in the life of a Twenty-something who can’t even decide what her stance on newer Ben and Jerry’s flavours are

Monday.

10:30 am.

Today’s  revelation was that the ‘mince’ in mince pies ISN’T EVEN MINCE. Why would they do that to us? I just don’t understand. I feel betrayed. I feel sick but most of all, I feel dirty.

2pm.

That guy in the library sniffed my hair again. Nobody believes me. He really gives me the creepies.

2:10pm.

That asshole just sniffed ANOTHER girl’s hair? WTF? Do I mean nothing to him? What a dick.

2:25pm.

HE JUST SNIFFED THE HAIR OF THE 60 YEAR OLD LIBRARIAN. MY LIFE IS LITERALLY THE SADDEST.

4pm.

Had an argument with my mother over hat sizes.

9pm.

Snapshot_20141209

10pm.

I think I might have a rare genetic condition. I googled my symptoms. I have written a Will. Mum, Dad, if you are reading this my will is under the Book-case in my room. Also, I know I blamed the dog for the Christmas eve disaster of 2012 but it was me, I vomited on the tree because I was drunk as hell. I also made a really funny drunken video where I do impressions of you guys, it is saved in a folder on my computer entitled ‘Them and Me: the child they never wanted.’

Tuesday.

4pm.

An old woman called me ‘Son’.

Wednesday.

5:30pm.

Shamelessly cried in the bathroom of Starbucks because they were out of Eggnog Lattes.

6:10pm.

Tried to make a vegan meal In an attempt to eat more healthily but then ended up burning the f%&**ng Eggplant (??) and ordering a Dominos. The woman on the other end knew my voice. Felt sad and proud of that.

Thursday.

7am.

I have a feeling today is going to be a good day.

9:10am.

Bird just sh*t on me, some school kids laughed at me and when I told them to ‘f%&* off’ a random, old woman hit me with her bag???? WHO DOES THIS HAPPEN TO?!!??!?!?

3:30pm.

Whilst queuing at lunch someone said she liked my shoes and then followed it with ‘Jesus, you have like, tiny feet. Proper dwarf-like’.

9pm.

Dad made me hot chocolate and told me stories of his youth. Suspiciously enough a ‘friend’ of his was a wild child.

Friday.

9am.

Today is Graduation day. I feel prepared. I feel ready to become a woman.

10:30pm.

Parents are pissed because I lost the graduation tickets and the car-park voucher and batteries for the camera. Like, don’t they know this is MY day?

12:20pm.

All over! I have officially graduated. I feel so wise. I feel so alive.

12:30pm.

After dad making a mini speech about how I will suddenly get smarter and wiser, I realised I hadn’t seen my actual degree since I left the conferring hall and had a panic attack.

12:38pm.

Found the degree in the car. I found the funny side. Nobody else did.

12:45pm.

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Saturday.

2pm.

I think my boyfriend just mispronounced my name on the phone.

8pm.

My aunt just accused me of taking a sip of her wine, why are people so mean to me?

Sunday.

11am.

Reflecting on how graceful I have become since graduating.

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-C.K

The main times when you may want to re-think whether or not it’s for you. Part One.

Contact lenses.

You don’t want to cause a ‘kerfuffle’ and come legging it out asking your mother to hurry up and then leaving without paying out of pure humiliation. Best to think about the fact that the lens goes in your eye before signing up for a contact lens trial. ‘You know what, I don’t think I need contact lenses’ upon him literally just taking out the lens will make you look like a tool. Now you can never go back to that Optician and you have to find a new one. Sigh. Also, the story about the girl who had a panic attack before dashing without paying at Specsavers made local news and your mental health is at an all-time low. You end up wearing sunglasses and a headscarf everytime you go into town for the next month in case people recognise you from the CCTV footage.

Babysitting.

You’ll think: easy way to make money, fun, good exercise running around after the children. Wrong. You didn’t think this through and future you will be so angry looking back. All babysitting left you with was a sore ankle, some very angry parents and the lack of desire to ever have a small, sticky elf of your own.

‘Ok, so I forgot about them. In all fairness, they were in a park! Not like I forgot about them in a knife shop! Besides I was cracked on Xanax cos I just got my wisdom teeth out. Chill the f*&k out.’

‘Does this mean I’m not getting paid because they are still alive like.’

A public shrine for a guy you went on a date with once.

You thought the date went excellently. You laughed, you chatted, you ate and he didn’t at all seem terrified of you! SUCCESS. Next step? Www.TomWillYouMarryMe.com. You think it’s sweet, romantic, cute even. His lawyer thinks it’s ‘grounds for a restraining order’ and ‘sexual harassment’. Obviously not everyone is as romantic and whimsical as you are. From now on you’ll just make a short Youtube clip instead.

Make your own music video to a Spice girls song.

Ok, ok, in your defence you do pull a really good Ginger spice but apparently future employers look that shit up and see it as reason enough to not give you a second interview. I know, insane. Especially since you made all the outfits yourself and had to get one hell of a tan to even slightly resemble Scary spice. You put a lot of effort into perfecting your lip syncing. Not to mention the €200 spent on dance lessons. The part where you dedicated the video to your dad was a sweet touch, regardless of what those girls at school said on the hate page.

mistakes

-C.K

How to deal with having your second boyfriend.

1. Erase the past.

If he finds the three hate pages you made for your ex after he dumped you or the eighteen fake Facebook accounts commenting on it, he may freak out. Delete it all. Be sure to track down all the old photos you commented on and delete the comments too. Nobody likes to be dating the gal who left thirty two comments on her ex’s profile pic.

‘Cute pic xoxo’

‘The good old days xoxo’

‘Fine. Don’t respond.’

‘You know what John??? F*&K YOU. I gave you everything. I BET YOU HAD A THING FOR THAT SARAH GIRL EVEN THEN. YOU B*7%ARD.’

‘Sorry, take me back.’

‘Hahahaha awkward, was SOOOO drunk last night, what was I even saying? Hahahahahahahaha.’

2. Change your ways.

Stop with the crazy mind games. It is unfair and kind of insane to act so erratic and manic about your new love. Don’t be in his face. Give him space. One day when John junior and Leila are born you’ll tell them how daddy was playing hard to get for the first six months and mommy had to impregnate herself with daddy’s sperm that she stole. Adorable!

3. Get competitive.

Your last relationship was missing something, you can’t quite put your finger on it…? It was some healthy competition! Guys love this. Race him everywhere and don’t be afraid to express yourself when you’ve won.

‘HA. LOSER. Who was a wimp in secondary school? EH? WHO CAN’T RUN FOR SHIT. LITTLE FAT BOY!’

All great relationships are based on some level of competition. Don’t be afraid to get other guys numbers on a night out either and snapchat him pics of your potential new boyfriends if he doesn’t start manning up’.

4. Let him know how much you love him.

CONSTANTLY. It’s important to send out hourly emails and text messages every 15 minutes telling him. He hasn’t responded and it’s been six minutes? Ask him why he is cheating on you.

5. Make him realise how good he has it.

This is vital in a relationship and totally healthy. A good way to do this is to break him down and build him up again. Make him work for the love. All the psychology books say it!

‘You’ll always be a little tubster, won’t you? You repulse me a little on like sixty different levels and it sickens me to my core that we’re dating.  I’m sorry, I am hormonal. I LOVE YOU.’

Ok, so you’re ‘on a break’ now because he has to ‘figure out what he wants’, whatever. Just change the name of one of the hate pages and get on with your life. You don’t need that sh%t. I don’t know why I said that, John if you’re reading, take me back. I’ll kill your family pet, is that what you want? This is what you’ve pushed me to. I love you. Hello?

-C.K

Overly-Attached-Girlfriend-12

 

Being a Scientist:Expectations versus the sad, undeniable reality.

1. Before starting my degree… At first I thought I was a Scully type with a science edge.

Expectation:

That lab coat will fit me like a glove and I’ll constantly be taking off my glasses and biting on the edge before some major break-through. I’d wear heels that made a clicking sound as I walked and all the male scientists would look at me in awe and ask questions like ‘Can you review my paper?’ etc.

Reality:

All of the lab coats are huge, beyond huge, four of me could fit into one. People gave me funny looks as I had to frequently roll up the sleeves so they weren’t a fire hazard. The ‘biting on the end of my glasses’? Tried it once, they fell and I spent about 5 minutes patting the ground like a twat looking for them. The male scientists did look at me in awe though mostly because they were so impressed with how I managed to get 90% of my lunch caught in my braces. Sexy. As for being a total Scientific genius? I mispronounced most words incorrectly for the first six months and nobody ever seemed to know what I was talking about.

‘I’m talking about Denturification.’

‘You mean DENITRIFICATION?’

‘Calm down.’

2. I thought I’d be a tad Dr. House by the end of first year. Witty but cynical and people would respect the heck out of me.

Expectation:

They’d all call me by my last name and everyone would know it. I’d be the go-to gal. The chosen one of the bunch. The rest would follow me around trying to buy me coffee and befriend me but I wouldn’t have time for friends what with all the crazy opportunities I’m getting due to my abnormally high IQ.

Reality:

On a class night out I got talking to a guy in my class who asked me what I was studying. I knew his name…we’re Facebook friends. Most of the other white coated shit bags called me ‘Christine’ for…well…pretty much ever. Nobody tried to buy me coffee but one girl did spill fresh, boiling hot coffee all down my new ‘things are gonna change’ shirt. Highlight of the semester. Also I realised just how intellectually challenged I was when I was sitting in on a geology lecture for 45 minutes without realising I was in the wrong theatre.

The list actually goes on and on but I became severely depressed after that last one and by the time my parents had stopped me threatening to stab the neighbour I did not have it in me to go on. – CK

The 3 very healthy techniques I use to avoid talking to people I don’t like.

1) The ‘I can’t see you’ manoeuvre.

You’re walking along, birds are singing and children are giggling. It’s a good day. You didn’t fall out of bed or drunkenly vomit on your new roommate last night, no, you got a good night sleep an you’re ready to take on the day. You even feel more energetic than normal. Maybe you’re getting younger?!? It all comes to a crashing halt when you see Laura ‘shit bag’ O’ Brian. She has noticed you. She’s coming towards you. Implement emergency evasive manoeuvre and run like a little bitch. This usually works. Healthy and not at all weird. Totally normal. Dr. Phil probably advises it. Yeah, so a few of those times you’ve fallen over and gashed your head of a wall, big whoop. Worth it. Four hours of A&E and the emotional trauma? Worth every second of avoiding that Sloth.

2) The ‘is my phone ringing’ step.

 We’ve all been there. Joe ‘Crazy horse’ Kenny is coming towards you and you’re not in the mood to figure out which of his personalities you’re talking to right now so instead you casually take out your phone and start talking. Except your attempt to be slick and casual is a total delusion and you’re more like:

‘HELLO? HI YOU. MAM. HI MAM. I’M SO BUSY. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. MAM. HOW ARE YOU? MAM. I AM JUST WALKING MAM. LOVE YOU MAM.’

All said exceptionally loudly and with crazy eyes just to be sure he heard you. Better hope you’re not that unfortunate loser who’s phone rings during…although what’s worse the phone ringing or the fact that Mad horse Joe now thinks you’re weird. When Joe thinks you’re weird, ya got problems.

3) The ‘Never talk to me again’ move.

It’s too late to run and your phone isn’t at hand. Plan C: actually talk to the subject despite your burning hatred for them. Only one way to act here: Bat shit crazy.

‘CHRISTINA! I haven’t seen you in forever! Why weren’t you at the class party?’ She asks, that bitch.

‘I was busy eating my hair that night. Hehe. Hair. I like yours. Real shiny.’

She walks away creeped out and avoids you from now on. Sound. But now all of your other friends avoid you too and your student’s union are doing an awareness day for Trichophagia and ask you to be a guest speaker.

Meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time. Some blindingly obvious tips.

1) Think before you speak.

I know, painfully obvious right? Not when you accidentally start swearing like a sailor loudly on the phone while his entire family sits behind you in the dining room in disgust.

‘You did what? Haha, f*&% off, you mad Bas%*£$. Nah, just at the ‘ole ball and chains, yanno, like a f*&%in’ funeral home over here.’

2) Don’t always answer questions truthfully.

They want a nice Catholic girl for their son, one who bakes, loves children, dresses conservatively and enjoys reading cook books in her spare time. You don’t always have this in mind when you start a story of how your friend got on Heroin that Summer you spent in Rome.

‘See, she didn’t exactly become a crack whore, that’s a strong label, she only had sex for drugs maybe 3 times? I mean, come on, who are we to judge, I’ve probably done worse on a regular Saturday night.’

Good luck going back on that one when his mother has tears in her eyes and his granny is splashing you with holy water.

3) Don’t make thoughtless statements.

His mother is showing you around the house, making polite, feminine chit-chat. Things are finally starting to go a bit better and you can relax a little. She shows you her wedding album and you make all the right sounds ‘oh you look lovely’ or ‘Your hair is so stylish, even then’. Then she comments on how she still has the dress and if you and her precious little boy ever tied the knot you could wear the dress and you thoughtless respond ‘Ha, would they still let me wear white after the craic we’ve been at?’ and continue flicking the pages while she looks on horrified. Future mother in law? Not if she has anything to do with it.

4. Don’t give his family assumed nick names.

When his mother asks who’s putting the bins out?’ Best not to say something like ‘Big John is’.  Chances are his family don’t call him that and have probably never really addressed the fact that he is, well…big.

5. Don’t make assumptions and then use them as a source of conversation.

‘So when did you come out to everyone then Alice?’ Nobody knew his sister was gay. Not even her. And maybe she isn’t. Sure, you saw her look at some questionable things online earlier and she’s a little butch and appears to be angry at the world for some unknown reason but best keep that to yourself.  Although, you were only saving her like five years of pointless experimenting, what’s the big deal?

Also, an official tip, don’t even bother asking your friends for tips or advice because they’ll use it as an opportunity to make the whole thing worse with tips like ‘Ask his dad if the banana falls far from the tree’ and ‘Compliment his mother’s tits, she has excellent tits, I’ve seen them before’.

By the end of the night this is how they see you:

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-C.K

The highlights of my Christmas holidays to date (in order of most scarring).

1) Christmas dinner. Normally a joyous occasion filled with laughter and a trip down memory lane. This came to a crashing end five minutes in when my nine year old cousin stabbed my ten year old cousin in the hand with a fork. That would have been fine if anyone was sober enough to prevent the riot that followed. We call one of my cousins ‘The strangler’ now.

2) The family visits. Since I have returned home from the holidays every single member of my extended family has decided to visit. The house has become a museum. I may or may not have developed Arthritis from all of the cups of tea I’ve made.

3) Mass. I haven’t actually attended any mass but everyone and their granny have asked me if I went to mass, what mass I went to, who the priest was etc. I thought Molly was en vogue right now but I guess it’s mass. Now that I know I’ll grab my neon hoodie, grillz and head down first thing tomorrow to connect with the young folk.

4) People asking me how my degree is going and what it’s like to study science. I get exam flashbacks of myself waking up in a cold sweat and trying to remember random facts about Proteobacteria and then sob violently for half an hour yelling: ‘WHY GOD? WHY ME?’ So I try and reply with something like ‘yeah, you know, really interesting, it’s never one made me suicidal and that’s really something.’

5) The amount of times I’ve asked. ‘Is he actually related to me?’ While being ashamed of one family member or another.  Followed by the: ‘sure he could be adopted for all we know. He doesn’t even look like me.’

6) The amount of times someone has used the ‘sure it’s Christmas’ excuse to get very drunk and aside from the beverages, observing your cousins milking Christmas for everything it’s worth and sticking to their two main food groups: anything coated in chocolate and anything dipped in cheese.

7) The number of times someone has forgotten that one of my great aunts or uncles is alive and said something along the lines of ‘God rest their soul’ only to be shot evils from everyone in the room.

8) One of my family members calling out every and any other name before they get to mine. ‘Colin, Chris, Jack, John, feck Christina, whatever your name is. C’mere.’

9) Over hearing one of your cousins talk about how you’ve gained weight and how the word on the street is ‘the lights are on but there’s nobody home’.

10) And finally waking up on Christmas morning to find your dog standing suspiciously next to the over turned tree and torn up gifts. Must have been the cat.

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-C.K