The 25 totally normal and justifiable things I did before 3pm today.

  1. Thought about having ice-cream for breakfast. (Ben & Jerry’s though, come on, I’m human.)
  2. Broke and had two spoonfuls of ice-cream before my toast.
  3. Pretended to cry so my dog could come over and give me attention.
  4. Called the Post-man Tommy. Don’t actually know his name.
  5. Opened my father’s post before he woke up.
  6. Regretted it cos it was shit, sealed it up again.
  7. Went to the gym just for the Steam room.
  8. Pretended to my family that I did some serious exercise.
  9. Told a good friend that there was nothing funny about having Chlamydia.
  10. Thought about how funny it is that she got Chlamydia.
  11. Thought about how the name Camilla reminds me of the word ‘Chlamydia’.
  12. Was alarmed by how much I thought about Chlamydia.
  13. Broke a button on my mother’s coat and said the dog must have chewed it off.
  14. Laughed at an episode of Peppa Pig.
  15. Accidentally knocked over a jug of water and let the dog lick it up instead of drying it.
  16. Threatened to break up with my boyfriend because he wouldn’t park in the mother & child parking spot.
  17. Realised this was crazy, who doesn’t park where their girlfriend wants them to?
  18. Texted my boyfriend to make up.
  19. Ended up having hour-long argument with him over my ‘delusions’ & ‘demands’.
  20. Told my family he was dead to us.
  21. Ate all the Ben & Jerry’s for lunch.
  22. Spent a grand total of 3 minutes on an important essay.
  23. Spent about thirty minutes on my own rendition of ‘Damn she’s a s*xy bitch’.
  24. Compared myself to Kanye West.
  25. Got asked to leave my boyfriend’s house (again) for asking if his sister was ‘really a necessary part of the clan?’

-CK

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The five NYE resolutions I broke by January fifth.

Resolution one: No swearing.

This one isn’t even my fault, in fact it was totally beyond my control so I don’t even blame myself. Sometimes in life we are faced with challenges we can’t avoid and we react with hostility, it is normal. Sometimes aggression can’t be helped. So if I go ahead and politely tell the Starbucks barista that my name isn’t ‘Katrina’ how about you don’t tell me to lower my voice when I am already using my volume 4, indoor voice. How about then you don’t go get the manager and make me shove an old lady and call you an ‘Absolute &*%£ with no f$*&ing common sense, you piece of total $£$*, asking me to $£%&ing use my indoor $%&*ing voice. Go &%$£ yourself.’ Some people are just disgusting.

Resolution two: To do more things that my boyfriend likes.

How about don’t antagonise me when you already know how stressed I am about breaking my no swearing resolution. You  know asking me to go go-carting is gonna send me full-on off the rails. Also getting a barring order? Really funny. You $%&*ing a%%hole.

Resolution three: To put more thought into my life choices instead of being a reckless mess who makes decisions on a whim and Eight Tequila shots.

Ok, so got a tattoo but I totally thought about it for at least half an hour while the tattoo artist set up.

Resolution four: To stop breaking up with my boyfriend on a weekly basis.

Turns out getting a tattoo of your boyfriend’s name on a whim will lead to him having a discussion with you about how ‘intense’ and ‘suffocating’ you can be. That then leads to a raging argument at the wake of a good family friend. He uses that as an opportunity to give you a lecture about there being a ‘time and place’ for things etc. Broke right up with that loser.

Resolution five: To stop writing blog-posts about my real-life experience because it upsets my boyfriend (Philip Larney) and my Parents because it is an ‘invasion of privacy’ and ‘down right disrespectful’.

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-CK.

Five questionable things I did today.

1. Laughed when I didn’t understand someone to fill the awkward gap. Turns out he said he has COPD. Whoops.

2. I asked a priest if he reckoned Jesus was a bit of a lad? Now realising that might not be totally ok??? He blessed me?

3. Waved at Fergal when I saw him crossing the street, wasn’t Fergal, kept waving because my dignity is worth more than that. Fergal look-a-like seemed confused and almost a little annoyed.

4. Took a bite of a Cadburys biscuit and didn’t like it. Just put it back in the tin.

5. Talked to some people about how I didn’t bother showering today because, why really?

xxxx

-CK

Five things I learned from Christmas shopping this week.

  1. It’s totally ok to be as rude as you like.

It is Christmas after all, the time of taking! You want the last scarf on sale as well? Sure, go right ahead and snatch it from me like a wild animal. I’m fine with that. Here, you want my coffee too?

  1. People are wonderfully honest.

You just came in for some lipstick for your mother but now the make-up artist is pointing out your ‘fine creases’ and ‘starter crows feet’. That’s fine, you never liked your face that much anyway, better buy all of the expensive products to fix the problem you didn’t know you had!

  1. It’s ok to avoid people.

There you are, casually browsing books for your dad when…oh no…there he is, your crazy ex! Just quietly shuffle to an aisle further away and stay calm. Oh no, he’s spotted you just as you’ve entered the self-help aisle, ha, isn’t this funny?! Best thing to do is to just point out that you don’t need a self-help book. ‘HEY, YOU, HAHA, I KNOW YOU SEE ME HERE, IN THE NEEDY AISLE BUT I REALLY JUST DID IT TO AVOID YOU. I’M FINE. I DON’T NEED ANY CHICKEN SOUP FOR MY SOUL. HA. HA. HA. WHO’S THAT? YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND?’

Solid, well played, super slick.

  1. People give unsolicited advice at Christmas.

Yeah and apparently this is totally fine. So, don’t be surprised when you decide to buy sexy underwear for your boyfriend that the sales assistant will insist you buy a push up bra and some gel inserts and a vest.

  1. Don’t ask strangers for advice.

Sweet old lady? Nah, think again, she hates you and everything you represent. When you try and explain your Adele or Taylor Swift present dilemma she might genuinely spit on you?!

-CK

Ten things my mother and I argued about last week.

  1. How deaf she is.

I yell, she can’t hear. I yell louder, she gets mad. I just can’t win. If you can’t hear me yelling ‘I THINK I HAVE THRUSH’ then I have to yell it louder, why are you pissed? So, half of Starbucks is staring? IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU CAN’T HEAR ME.

  1. Clothing choices.

Actual conversation surrounding a dress for a social outing.

Mother: ‘This is lovely, I love the pattern’.

Me: *Silence*

Mother: ‘Well??? What do you think?’

Me: ‘I think the 60s called and they want their potato sack back.’

Mother: ‘What?’

Me: ‘I THINK THE 60S CALLED AND THEY WANT THEIR POTATO SACK BACK.’

Mother: ‘Why are you yelling?’

Me: *Counting backwards from ten and taking shallow breaths*

Mother: ‘Did you say you want it back? What? Want what back?’

Me: ‘I hate this dress. It is fugly’.

Mother: ‘Fugly?’

Me: ‘JESUS I AM NOT WEARING THIS PIECE OF SHIT.’

Mother: ‘You are so rude.’

3. Facebook.

I literally can not cope with this one. First thing that trigger the argument is my mother somehow forgets the word ‘Ipad’ every time she asks me to go get it for her. How? Your guess is as good as mine. I am very annoyed at this point already and then it just blows up from there. It usually goes off from here.

Mother: ‘Christina, all of my friends deleted me? How? Why?’

Me: ‘What? What do you mean?’

Mother: ‘I cant see any of their statuses, I can only see me own.’

*At this point I get up and go look*

Me: ‘That is because you are on your own page, not your home page.’

Mother: ‘What is a home page?’

Me: ‘I can’t cope’.

Mother: ‘What?’

Me: ‘I CAN’T COPE’.

Mother: ‘WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME AGAIN?’

  1. How much Radiographers earn.

  1. My swearing. Should I even elaborate on this one?

  1. My lack of basic mathematical skills.

        I thought 80+80 was 190 and she seemed mildly enraged by this.

  1. My repetitive and ‘insufferable’ singing of ‘It’s a small world’.

  1. Planet of the apes.

  1. When I thought she said ‘George Mooney’, a guy we know, instead of ‘George Clooney’. This lead to a huge amount of confusion.

  1. Whether or not it was raining outside.

-C.K

Ten things nobody should be ashamed of.

1. That you plan your social life around the TV schedule. You can’t go out for Debbie’s 22nd birthday the same night of the Teen Mom 2 reunion episode, obviously. Just send Debbie a nice bunch of flowers, wait, no, you’re kind of a broke loser right now, just send Debbie your…ehh…kind regards, yeah that should do it.

 2. That you eat the cookie dough out of the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and just leave the crappy vanilla ice-cream for everyone else. You are a growing girl. People need to back off.

3. That you have failed your driving test so much that by the 4th and 5th attempt you were trying anything. Going from flirty, single gal who has a driving tester fetish to a gal who needs her license so she can get to and from the disadvantaged school she works at where she reads to the blind kids.

 4. That you were born prettier than everyone else. Not your fault. If it were up to you, you’d be just slighty above average but you were cursed with ice blue eyes and a body that one can bounce coins off.

 5. That your smug friends just moved in together and last week your boyfriend choked on his steak when you said a word that sounded like ‘marriage’.

 6. That your friends are joking about baby names and you can’t even accidentally trick your boyfriend into getting you preggers.

 7. That Philip literally avoids every conversation in which you make some suggestion about moving in together even though you read one of his texts to Mark about them possibly getting a place together.

8. That he keeps pushing you away when you’re just trying to love him.

9. THAT HE DIDN’T BUY YOU THAT DIAMOND RING YOU HINTED SO HEAVILY AT LAST TIME YOU GUYS WENT SHOPPING.

10. THAT HE CAN’T GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH TO JUST MAKE AN HONEST WOMAN OUT OF YOU.

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**I would like to dedicate this post to my now ex-boyfriend and possible future husband Philip.

-C.K

A week of notes in the life of a Twenty-something who can’t even decide what her stance on newer Ben and Jerry’s flavours are

Monday.

10:30 am.

Today’s  revelation was that the ‘mince’ in mince pies ISN’T EVEN MINCE. Why would they do that to us? I just don’t understand. I feel betrayed. I feel sick but most of all, I feel dirty.

2pm.

That guy in the library sniffed my hair again. Nobody believes me. He really gives me the creepies.

2:10pm.

That asshole just sniffed ANOTHER girl’s hair? WTF? Do I mean nothing to him? What a dick.

2:25pm.

HE JUST SNIFFED THE HAIR OF THE 60 YEAR OLD LIBRARIAN. MY LIFE IS LITERALLY THE SADDEST.

4pm.

Had an argument with my mother over hat sizes.

9pm.

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10pm.

I think I might have a rare genetic condition. I googled my symptoms. I have written a Will. Mum, Dad, if you are reading this my will is under the Book-case in my room. Also, I know I blamed the dog for the Christmas eve disaster of 2012 but it was me, I vomited on the tree because I was drunk as hell. I also made a really funny drunken video where I do impressions of you guys, it is saved in a folder on my computer entitled ‘Them and Me: the child they never wanted.’

Tuesday.

4pm.

An old woman called me ‘Son’.

Wednesday.

5:30pm.

Shamelessly cried in the bathroom of Starbucks because they were out of Eggnog Lattes.

6:10pm.

Tried to make a vegan meal In an attempt to eat more healthily but then ended up burning the f%&**ng Eggplant (??) and ordering a Dominos. The woman on the other end knew my voice. Felt sad and proud of that.

Thursday.

7am.

I have a feeling today is going to be a good day.

9:10am.

Bird just sh*t on me, some school kids laughed at me and when I told them to ‘f%&* off’ a random, old woman hit me with her bag???? WHO DOES THIS HAPPEN TO?!!??!?!?

3:30pm.

Whilst queuing at lunch someone said she liked my shoes and then followed it with ‘Jesus, you have like, tiny feet. Proper dwarf-like’.

9pm.

Dad made me hot chocolate and told me stories of his youth. Suspiciously enough a ‘friend’ of his was a wild child.

Friday.

9am.

Today is Graduation day. I feel prepared. I feel ready to become a woman.

10:30pm.

Parents are pissed because I lost the graduation tickets and the car-park voucher and batteries for the camera. Like, don’t they know this is MY day?

12:20pm.

All over! I have officially graduated. I feel so wise. I feel so alive.

12:30pm.

After dad making a mini speech about how I will suddenly get smarter and wiser, I realised I hadn’t seen my actual degree since I left the conferring hall and had a panic attack.

12:38pm.

Found the degree in the car. I found the funny side. Nobody else did.

12:45pm.

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Saturday.

2pm.

I think my boyfriend just mispronounced my name on the phone.

8pm.

My aunt just accused me of taking a sip of her wine, why are people so mean to me?

Sunday.

11am.

Reflecting on how graceful I have become since graduating.

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-C.K

The ten totally normal milestones you go through with your boyfriend’s mother.

  1. The first time she calls you his ‘girlfriend’. Seems simple, right? Wrong. Average wait time to hear this word? Currently 2 years and nine months. One time you thought she was going to say it but then she said ‘gutter’. Another time she just stuttered horrendously when introducing you at a large family gathering. Hang in there, it’ll get easier. She will start saying words that sound a lot like ‘girlfriend’…like ‘friend’ or ‘inappropriate harlot who won’t put the bottle of Pinot down’.
  2. The first time she compliments your naked pics. Big step. Having the future mother-in-law’s approval is important for any relationship. Sure, she might not directly compliment your incredibly pert bosom or toned tummy but that look of pure amazement says it all. Tears in her eyes? Those crunches really paid off.
  3. The first time she hears you use the C-word in a sentence. Obvious one.
  4. The first time you have to explain that the word ‘blowie’ isn’t a weather description.
  5. The first time you both share some heart-felt stories of your youth. Not your fault you got this one a bit wrong. You didn’t realise ‘confessions’ were literally funny church stories. Bet you feel pretty weird about sharing how you had to explore a little before knowing your sexual orientation first.
  6. Not realising that ‘Millie’ was the name of her deceased, childhood pet, not some b*$%h at her work-place.
  7. Explaining to her that your choice to take a ‘gap yah’ to explore your love for interpretive dance and henna tattoos was ‘for the best’.
  8. The first time you accidentally perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on her because you thought she was choking but she actually just coughed.
  9. The first time she saw you cry over that really intense sale at Topshop.
  10. The time you staged a surprise intervention because you thought she had a gambling addiction but it turned out she worked for a Gambling charity.

-CK

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How to quickly and easily solve a silly misunderstanding which entailed your boyfriend saying yes to an accidental marriage proposal.

  1. Assess the damage.

Check out how into the whole thing he is? You are probably exaggerating and worrying for nothing!

Ok, so he somehow has wedding magazines and won’t stop crying? They could just belong to a friend and he cries all the time, last week he cried with joy when he saw Shrimp was on the lunch menu at his favourite restaurant.

  1. Gently explain the misunderstanding to him.

He’ll probably laugh it off, when he is done reading ‘#Groom2014’.

  1. Prepare for your new life.

What kind of flowers do you want at your wedding and will you send out old fashioned invites or E-vites? Also, will you get to go cake tasting? Should you just cancel your gym membership now? Will you be on your period that day? Shit.

  1. Break-up the arguments between him and his parents.

Ok so they are not paying for the fairy-tale style horse and carriage and your boyfriend is crushed. Also your future mother in law has called you a ‘two-faced sk#nk’ three times in the last hour.

  1. CALL THE TABLECLOTH GUY BECAUSE THE FABRIC ISN’T F%&*ING EGYPTIAN.

 

  1. TELL THAT ASSHOLE MAID OF HONOUR THAT SHE IS OUT OF THE WEDDING AND MAY AS WELL JOIN THE OLD BEST MAN THAT DAY BECAUSE NEITHER OR THEM ARE INVITED.

 

  1. Schedule when you want to cry because there simply isn’t enough time. You have 40 minutes between your dress fitting and collecting the cake-topper. Pop into a near-by fast food restaurant and sob frantically in the toilets for half an hour, assault an employee for grilling you on whether or not you actually purchased anything, grab a choc milkshake to go and flip off the establishment as you drive off.

 

  1. GET A NEW WEDDING DRESS BECAUSE THE OLD ONE DOESN’T FIT BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN STRESS EATING BECAUSE HIS MOTHER IS A TOTAL WITCH AND NOBODY EVEN NOTICED YOU LOST A POUND THIS MONTH.

 

  1. Call your lawyer about the DUI you got last night and make sure not to give into another breakfast burrito on your way to counselling.

 

  1. Don’t act like one of those kids on ‘My super sweet 16’ on the wedding day and have your boyfriend break up with you and leave in a car with his parents.

-C.K

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The ten things I have learned over the midterm break. (So far)

1. Advising the guy you just met to ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself’ might lead to an uncomfortable conversation about your life choices and somehow the accusation of racial slurs.

2. Experimenting with fashion in order to fulfill some deep-routed necessity to be cool will lead to your parents asking you questions about your mental well-being. It will also lead to you looking like you were dressed by a young child for fun but also like a prostitute who doesn’t own a mirror or have any self-respect.

3. Complaining about the library opening times to the librarian will lead to her swearing under her breath and making some ‘get a life’ comment.

4. Telling your mother to ‘mind her own business’ is a bad idea.

5. Apologising to your mother for your narky ‘mind your own business’ comment might lead to her accusing you of being insincere.

6. The argument that follows with your mother will lead to you asking questions like ‘why did you even HAVE ME?’

7. Running into old friends and asking questions like ‘OH MY GOD ARE YOU PREGNANT?’ Is a bad idea.

8. Following up that mistake with an awkward, anti-social comment like ‘hey, bank holiday weekend weight, amIright?

9. Getting drunk on red wine and openly discussing your life choices with strangers instead of with your real friends will lead to resentment, anger and a guy with a neck tattoo of a bat telling you that you should learn to play the didgeridoo and become a nudist.

10. Accusing your counsellor of not taking you seriously as a person and telling her she reminds you of your weird aunt who always smells like old stuff will lead to you spending the rest of your midterm looking for a therapist who encompasses everything you believe in and who smells of anything young.

-C.K