The 25 totally normal and justifiable things I did before 3pm today.

  1. Thought about having ice-cream for breakfast. (Ben & Jerry’s though, come on, I’m human.)
  2. Broke and had two spoonfuls of ice-cream before my toast.
  3. Pretended to cry so my dog could come over and give me attention.
  4. Called the Post-man Tommy. Don’t actually know his name.
  5. Opened my father’s post before he woke up.
  6. Regretted it cos it was shit, sealed it up again.
  7. Went to the gym just for the Steam room.
  8. Pretended to my family that I did some serious exercise.
  9. Told a good friend that there was nothing funny about having Chlamydia.
  10. Thought about how funny it is that she got Chlamydia.
  11. Thought about how the name Camilla reminds me of the word ‘Chlamydia’.
  12. Was alarmed by how much I thought about Chlamydia.
  13. Broke a button on my mother’s coat and said the dog must have chewed it off.
  14. Laughed at an episode of Peppa Pig.
  15. Accidentally knocked over a jug of water and let the dog lick it up instead of drying it.
  16. Threatened to break up with my boyfriend because he wouldn’t park in the mother & child parking spot.
  17. Realised this was crazy, who doesn’t park where their girlfriend wants them to?
  18. Texted my boyfriend to make up.
  19. Ended up having hour-long argument with him over my ‘delusions’ & ‘demands’.
  20. Told my family he was dead to us.
  21. Ate all the Ben & Jerry’s for lunch.
  22. Spent a grand total of 3 minutes on an important essay.
  23. Spent about thirty minutes on my own rendition of ‘Damn she’s a s*xy bitch’.
  24. Compared myself to Kanye West.
  25. Got asked to leave my boyfriend’s house (again) for asking if his sister was ‘really a necessary part of the clan?’

-CK

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