The 25 totally normal and justifiable things I did before 3pm today.

  1. Thought about having ice-cream for breakfast. (Ben & Jerry’s though, come on, I’m human.)
  2. Broke and had two spoonfuls of ice-cream before my toast.
  3. Pretended to cry so my dog could come over and give me attention.
  4. Called the Post-man Tommy. Don’t actually know his name.
  5. Opened my father’s post before he woke up.
  6. Regretted it cos it was shit, sealed it up again.
  7. Went to the gym just for the Steam room.
  8. Pretended to my family that I did some serious exercise.
  9. Told a good friend that there was nothing funny about having Chlamydia.
  10. Thought about how funny it is that she got Chlamydia.
  11. Thought about how the name Camilla reminds me of the word ‘Chlamydia’.
  12. Was alarmed by how much I thought about Chlamydia.
  13. Broke a button on my mother’s coat and said the dog must have chewed it off.
  14. Laughed at an episode of Peppa Pig.
  15. Accidentally knocked over a jug of water and let the dog lick it up instead of drying it.
  16. Threatened to break up with my boyfriend because he wouldn’t park in the mother & child parking spot.
  17. Realised this was crazy, who doesn’t park where their girlfriend wants them to?
  18. Texted my boyfriend to make up.
  19. Ended up having hour-long argument with him over my ‘delusions’ & ‘demands’.
  20. Told my family he was dead to us.
  21. Ate all the Ben & Jerry’s for lunch.
  22. Spent a grand total of 3 minutes on an important essay.
  23. Spent about thirty minutes on my own rendition of ‘Damn she’s a s*xy bitch’.
  24. Compared myself to Kanye West.
  25. Got asked to leave my boyfriend’s house (again) for asking if his sister was ‘really a necessary part of the clan?’

-CK

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The five NYE resolutions I broke by January fifth.

Resolution one: No swearing.

This one isn’t even my fault, in fact it was totally beyond my control so I don’t even blame myself. Sometimes in life we are faced with challenges we can’t avoid and we react with hostility, it is normal. Sometimes aggression can’t be helped. So if I go ahead and politely tell the Starbucks barista that my name isn’t ‘Katrina’ how about you don’t tell me to lower my voice when I am already using my volume 4, indoor voice. How about then you don’t go get the manager and make me shove an old lady and call you an ‘Absolute &*%£ with no f$*&ing common sense, you piece of total $£$*, asking me to $£%&ing use my indoor $%&*ing voice. Go &%$£ yourself.’ Some people are just disgusting.

Resolution two: To do more things that my boyfriend likes.

How about don’t antagonise me when you already know how stressed I am about breaking my no swearing resolution. You  know asking me to go go-carting is gonna send me full-on off the rails. Also getting a barring order? Really funny. You $%&*ing a%%hole.

Resolution three: To put more thought into my life choices instead of being a reckless mess who makes decisions on a whim and Eight Tequila shots.

Ok, so got a tattoo but I totally thought about it for at least half an hour while the tattoo artist set up.

Resolution four: To stop breaking up with my boyfriend on a weekly basis.

Turns out getting a tattoo of your boyfriend’s name on a whim will lead to him having a discussion with you about how ‘intense’ and ‘suffocating’ you can be. That then leads to a raging argument at the wake of a good family friend. He uses that as an opportunity to give you a lecture about there being a ‘time and place’ for things etc. Broke right up with that loser.

Resolution five: To stop writing blog-posts about my real-life experience because it upsets my boyfriend (Philip Larney) and my Parents because it is an ‘invasion of privacy’ and ‘down right disrespectful’.

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-CK.