A week of notes in the life of a Twenty-something who can’t even decide what her stance on newer Ben and Jerry’s flavours are

Monday.

10:30 am.

Today’s  revelation was that the ‘mince’ in mince pies ISN’T EVEN MINCE. Why would they do that to us? I just don’t understand. I feel betrayed. I feel sick but most of all, I feel dirty.

2pm.

That guy in the library sniffed my hair again. Nobody believes me. He really gives me the creepies.

2:10pm.

That asshole just sniffed ANOTHER girl’s hair? WTF? Do I mean nothing to him? What a dick.

2:25pm.

HE JUST SNIFFED THE HAIR OF THE 60 YEAR OLD LIBRARIAN. MY LIFE IS LITERALLY THE SADDEST.

4pm.

Had an argument with my mother over hat sizes.

9pm.

Snapshot_20141209

10pm.

I think I might have a rare genetic condition. I googled my symptoms. I have written a Will. Mum, Dad, if you are reading this my will is under the Book-case in my room. Also, I know I blamed the dog for the Christmas eve disaster of 2012 but it was me, I vomited on the tree because I was drunk as hell. I also made a really funny drunken video where I do impressions of you guys, it is saved in a folder on my computer entitled ‘Them and Me: the child they never wanted.’

Tuesday.

4pm.

An old woman called me ‘Son’.

Wednesday.

5:30pm.

Shamelessly cried in the bathroom of Starbucks because they were out of Eggnog Lattes.

6:10pm.

Tried to make a vegan meal In an attempt to eat more healthily but then ended up burning the f%&**ng Eggplant (??) and ordering a Dominos. The woman on the other end knew my voice. Felt sad and proud of that.

Thursday.

7am.

I have a feeling today is going to be a good day.

9:10am.

Bird just sh*t on me, some school kids laughed at me and when I told them to ‘f%&* off’ a random, old woman hit me with her bag???? WHO DOES THIS HAPPEN TO?!!??!?!?

3:30pm.

Whilst queuing at lunch someone said she liked my shoes and then followed it with ‘Jesus, you have like, tiny feet. Proper dwarf-like’.

9pm.

Dad made me hot chocolate and told me stories of his youth. Suspiciously enough a ‘friend’ of his was a wild child.

Friday.

9am.

Today is Graduation day. I feel prepared. I feel ready to become a woman.

10:30pm.

Parents are pissed because I lost the graduation tickets and the car-park voucher and batteries for the camera. Like, don’t they know this is MY day?

12:20pm.

All over! I have officially graduated. I feel so wise. I feel so alive.

12:30pm.

After dad making a mini speech about how I will suddenly get smarter and wiser, I realised I hadn’t seen my actual degree since I left the conferring hall and had a panic attack.

12:38pm.

Found the degree in the car. I found the funny side. Nobody else did.

12:45pm.

DSCN0995

Saturday.

2pm.

I think my boyfriend just mispronounced my name on the phone.

8pm.

My aunt just accused me of taking a sip of her wine, why are people so mean to me?

Sunday.

11am.

Reflecting on how graceful I have become since graduating.

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-C.K

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