Five questionable things I did today.

1. Laughed when I didn’t understand someone to fill the awkward gap. Turns out he said he has COPD. Whoops.

2. I asked a priest if he reckoned Jesus was a bit of a lad? Now realising that might not be totally ok??? He blessed me?

3. Waved at Fergal when I saw him crossing the street, wasn’t Fergal, kept waving because my dignity is worth more than that. Fergal look-a-like seemed confused and almost a little annoyed.

4. Took a bite of a Cadburys biscuit and didn’t like it. Just put it back in the tin.

5. Talked to some people about how I didn’t bother showering today because, why really?

xxxx

-CK

Five things I learned from Christmas shopping this week.

  1. It’s totally ok to be as rude as you like.

It is Christmas after all, the time of taking! You want the last scarf on sale as well? Sure, go right ahead and snatch it from me like a wild animal. I’m fine with that. Here, you want my coffee too?

  1. People are wonderfully honest.

You just came in for some lipstick for your mother but now the make-up artist is pointing out your ‘fine creases’ and ‘starter crows feet’. That’s fine, you never liked your face that much anyway, better buy all of the expensive products to fix the problem you didn’t know you had!

  1. It’s ok to avoid people.

There you are, casually browsing books for your dad when…oh no…there he is, your crazy ex! Just quietly shuffle to an aisle further away and stay calm. Oh no, he’s spotted you just as you’ve entered the self-help aisle, ha, isn’t this funny?! Best thing to do is to just point out that you don’t need a self-help book. ‘HEY, YOU, HAHA, I KNOW YOU SEE ME HERE, IN THE NEEDY AISLE BUT I REALLY JUST DID IT TO AVOID YOU. I’M FINE. I DON’T NEED ANY CHICKEN SOUP FOR MY SOUL. HA. HA. HA. WHO’S THAT? YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND?’

Solid, well played, super slick.

  1. People give unsolicited advice at Christmas.

Yeah and apparently this is totally fine. So, don’t be surprised when you decide to buy sexy underwear for your boyfriend that the sales assistant will insist you buy a push up bra and some gel inserts and a vest.

  1. Don’t ask strangers for advice.

Sweet old lady? Nah, think again, she hates you and everything you represent. When you try and explain your Adele or Taylor Swift present dilemma she might genuinely spit on you?!

-CK

Ten things my mother and I argued about last week.

  1. How deaf she is.

I yell, she can’t hear. I yell louder, she gets mad. I just can’t win. If you can’t hear me yelling ‘I THINK I HAVE THRUSH’ then I have to yell it louder, why are you pissed? So, half of Starbucks is staring? IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU CAN’T HEAR ME.

  1. Clothing choices.

Actual conversation surrounding a dress for a social outing.

Mother: ‘This is lovely, I love the pattern’.

Me: *Silence*

Mother: ‘Well??? What do you think?’

Me: ‘I think the 60s called and they want their potato sack back.’

Mother: ‘What?’

Me: ‘I THINK THE 60S CALLED AND THEY WANT THEIR POTATO SACK BACK.’

Mother: ‘Why are you yelling?’

Me: *Counting backwards from ten and taking shallow breaths*

Mother: ‘Did you say you want it back? What? Want what back?’

Me: ‘I hate this dress. It is fugly’.

Mother: ‘Fugly?’

Me: ‘JESUS I AM NOT WEARING THIS PIECE OF SHIT.’

Mother: ‘You are so rude.’

3. Facebook.

I literally can not cope with this one. First thing that trigger the argument is my mother somehow forgets the word ‘Ipad’ every time she asks me to go get it for her. How? Your guess is as good as mine. I am very annoyed at this point already and then it just blows up from there. It usually goes off from here.

Mother: ‘Christina, all of my friends deleted me? How? Why?’

Me: ‘What? What do you mean?’

Mother: ‘I cant see any of their statuses, I can only see me own.’

*At this point I get up and go look*

Me: ‘That is because you are on your own page, not your home page.’

Mother: ‘What is a home page?’

Me: ‘I can’t cope’.

Mother: ‘What?’

Me: ‘I CAN’T COPE’.

Mother: ‘WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME AGAIN?’

  1. How much Radiographers earn.

  1. My swearing. Should I even elaborate on this one?

  1. My lack of basic mathematical skills.

        I thought 80+80 was 190 and she seemed mildly enraged by this.

  1. My repetitive and ‘insufferable’ singing of ‘It’s a small world’.

  1. Planet of the apes.

  1. When I thought she said ‘George Mooney’, a guy we know, instead of ‘George Clooney’. This lead to a huge amount of confusion.

  1. Whether or not it was raining outside.

-C.K

Ten things nobody should be ashamed of.

1. That you plan your social life around the TV schedule. You can’t go out for Debbie’s 22nd birthday the same night of the Teen Mom 2 reunion episode, obviously. Just send Debbie a nice bunch of flowers, wait, no, you’re kind of a broke loser right now, just send Debbie your…ehh…kind regards, yeah that should do it.

 2. That you eat the cookie dough out of the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and just leave the crappy vanilla ice-cream for everyone else. You are a growing girl. People need to back off.

3. That you have failed your driving test so much that by the 4th and 5th attempt you were trying anything. Going from flirty, single gal who has a driving tester fetish to a gal who needs her license so she can get to and from the disadvantaged school she works at where she reads to the blind kids.

 4. That you were born prettier than everyone else. Not your fault. If it were up to you, you’d be just slighty above average but you were cursed with ice blue eyes and a body that one can bounce coins off.

 5. That your smug friends just moved in together and last week your boyfriend choked on his steak when you said a word that sounded like ‘marriage’.

 6. That your friends are joking about baby names and you can’t even accidentally trick your boyfriend into getting you preggers.

 7. That Philip literally avoids every conversation in which you make some suggestion about moving in together even though you read one of his texts to Mark about them possibly getting a place together.

8. That he keeps pushing you away when you’re just trying to love him.

9. THAT HE DIDN’T BUY YOU THAT DIAMOND RING YOU HINTED SO HEAVILY AT LAST TIME YOU GUYS WENT SHOPPING.

10. THAT HE CAN’T GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH TO JUST MAKE AN HONEST WOMAN OUT OF YOU.

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**I would like to dedicate this post to my now ex-boyfriend and possible future husband Philip.

-C.K

A week of notes in the life of a Twenty-something who can’t even decide what her stance on newer Ben and Jerry’s flavours are

Monday.

10:30 am.

Today’s  revelation was that the ‘mince’ in mince pies ISN’T EVEN MINCE. Why would they do that to us? I just don’t understand. I feel betrayed. I feel sick but most of all, I feel dirty.

2pm.

That guy in the library sniffed my hair again. Nobody believes me. He really gives me the creepies.

2:10pm.

That asshole just sniffed ANOTHER girl’s hair? WTF? Do I mean nothing to him? What a dick.

2:25pm.

HE JUST SNIFFED THE HAIR OF THE 60 YEAR OLD LIBRARIAN. MY LIFE IS LITERALLY THE SADDEST.

4pm.

Had an argument with my mother over hat sizes.

9pm.

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10pm.

I think I might have a rare genetic condition. I googled my symptoms. I have written a Will. Mum, Dad, if you are reading this my will is under the Book-case in my room. Also, I know I blamed the dog for the Christmas eve disaster of 2012 but it was me, I vomited on the tree because I was drunk as hell. I also made a really funny drunken video where I do impressions of you guys, it is saved in a folder on my computer entitled ‘Them and Me: the child they never wanted.’

Tuesday.

4pm.

An old woman called me ‘Son’.

Wednesday.

5:30pm.

Shamelessly cried in the bathroom of Starbucks because they were out of Eggnog Lattes.

6:10pm.

Tried to make a vegan meal In an attempt to eat more healthily but then ended up burning the f%&**ng Eggplant (??) and ordering a Dominos. The woman on the other end knew my voice. Felt sad and proud of that.

Thursday.

7am.

I have a feeling today is going to be a good day.

9:10am.

Bird just sh*t on me, some school kids laughed at me and when I told them to ‘f%&* off’ a random, old woman hit me with her bag???? WHO DOES THIS HAPPEN TO?!!??!?!?

3:30pm.

Whilst queuing at lunch someone said she liked my shoes and then followed it with ‘Jesus, you have like, tiny feet. Proper dwarf-like’.

9pm.

Dad made me hot chocolate and told me stories of his youth. Suspiciously enough a ‘friend’ of his was a wild child.

Friday.

9am.

Today is Graduation day. I feel prepared. I feel ready to become a woman.

10:30pm.

Parents are pissed because I lost the graduation tickets and the car-park voucher and batteries for the camera. Like, don’t they know this is MY day?

12:20pm.

All over! I have officially graduated. I feel so wise. I feel so alive.

12:30pm.

After dad making a mini speech about how I will suddenly get smarter and wiser, I realised I hadn’t seen my actual degree since I left the conferring hall and had a panic attack.

12:38pm.

Found the degree in the car. I found the funny side. Nobody else did.

12:45pm.

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Saturday.

2pm.

I think my boyfriend just mispronounced my name on the phone.

8pm.

My aunt just accused me of taking a sip of her wine, why are people so mean to me?

Sunday.

11am.

Reflecting on how graceful I have become since graduating.

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-C.K