The ten totally normal milestones you go through with your boyfriend’s mother.

  1. The first time she calls you his ‘girlfriend’. Seems simple, right? Wrong. Average wait time to hear this word? Currently 2 years and nine months. One time you thought she was going to say it but then she said ‘gutter’. Another time she just stuttered horrendously when introducing you at a large family gathering. Hang in there, it’ll get easier. She will start saying words that sound a lot like ‘girlfriend’…like ‘friend’ or ‘inappropriate harlot who won’t put the bottle of Pinot down’.
  2. The first time she compliments your naked pics. Big step. Having the future mother-in-law’s approval is important for any relationship. Sure, she might not directly compliment your incredibly pert bosom or toned tummy but that look of pure amazement says it all. Tears in her eyes? Those crunches really paid off.
  3. The first time she hears you use the C-word in a sentence. Obvious one.
  4. The first time you have to explain that the word ‘blowie’ isn’t a weather description.
  5. The first time you both share some heart-felt stories of your youth. Not your fault you got this one a bit wrong. You didn’t realise ‘confessions’ were literally funny church stories. Bet you feel pretty weird about sharing how you had to explore a little before knowing your sexual orientation first.
  6. Not realising that ‘Millie’ was the name of her deceased, childhood pet, not some b*$%h at her work-place.
  7. Explaining to her that your choice to take a ‘gap yah’ to explore your love for interpretive dance and henna tattoos was ‘for the best’.
  8. The first time you accidentally perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on her because you thought she was choking but she actually just coughed.
  9. The first time she saw you cry over that really intense sale at Topshop.
  10. The time you staged a surprise intervention because you thought she had a gambling addiction but it turned out she worked for a Gambling charity.

-CK

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