The ten totally normal milestones you go through with your boyfriend’s mother.

  1. The first time she calls you his ‘girlfriend’. Seems simple, right? Wrong. Average wait time to hear this word? Currently 2 years and nine months. One time you thought she was going to say it but then she said ‘gutter’. Another time she just stuttered horrendously when introducing you at a large family gathering. Hang in there, it’ll get easier. She will start saying words that sound a lot like ‘girlfriend’…like ‘friend’ or ‘inappropriate harlot who won’t put the bottle of Pinot down’.
  2. The first time she compliments your naked pics. Big step. Having the future mother-in-law’s approval is important for any relationship. Sure, she might not directly compliment your incredibly pert bosom or toned tummy but that look of pure amazement says it all. Tears in her eyes? Those crunches really paid off.
  3. The first time she hears you use the C-word in a sentence. Obvious one.
  4. The first time you have to explain that the word ‘blowie’ isn’t a weather description.
  5. The first time you both share some heart-felt stories of your youth. Not your fault you got this one a bit wrong. You didn’t realise ‘confessions’ were literally funny church stories. Bet you feel pretty weird about sharing how you had to explore a little before knowing your sexual orientation first.
  6. Not realising that ‘Millie’ was the name of her deceased, childhood pet, not some b*$%h at her work-place.
  7. Explaining to her that your choice to take a ‘gap yah’ to explore your love for interpretive dance and henna tattoos was ‘for the best’.
  8. The first time you accidentally perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on her because you thought she was choking but she actually just coughed.
  9. The first time she saw you cry over that really intense sale at Topshop.
  10. The time you staged a surprise intervention because you thought she had a gambling addiction but it turned out she worked for a Gambling charity.

-CK

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How to quickly and easily solve a silly misunderstanding which entailed your boyfriend saying yes to an accidental marriage proposal.

  1. Assess the damage.

Check out how into the whole thing he is? You are probably exaggerating and worrying for nothing!

Ok, so he somehow has wedding magazines and won’t stop crying? They could just belong to a friend and he cries all the time, last week he cried with joy when he saw Shrimp was on the lunch menu at his favourite restaurant.

  1. Gently explain the misunderstanding to him.

He’ll probably laugh it off, when he is done reading ‘#Groom2014’.

  1. Prepare for your new life.

What kind of flowers do you want at your wedding and will you send out old fashioned invites or E-vites? Also, will you get to go cake tasting? Should you just cancel your gym membership now? Will you be on your period that day? Shit.

  1. Break-up the arguments between him and his parents.

Ok so they are not paying for the fairy-tale style horse and carriage and your boyfriend is crushed. Also your future mother in law has called you a ‘two-faced sk#nk’ three times in the last hour.

  1. CALL THE TABLECLOTH GUY BECAUSE THE FABRIC ISN’T F%&*ING EGYPTIAN.

 

  1. TELL THAT ASSHOLE MAID OF HONOUR THAT SHE IS OUT OF THE WEDDING AND MAY AS WELL JOIN THE OLD BEST MAN THAT DAY BECAUSE NEITHER OR THEM ARE INVITED.

 

  1. Schedule when you want to cry because there simply isn’t enough time. You have 40 minutes between your dress fitting and collecting the cake-topper. Pop into a near-by fast food restaurant and sob frantically in the toilets for half an hour, assault an employee for grilling you on whether or not you actually purchased anything, grab a choc milkshake to go and flip off the establishment as you drive off.

 

  1. GET A NEW WEDDING DRESS BECAUSE THE OLD ONE DOESN’T FIT BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN STRESS EATING BECAUSE HIS MOTHER IS A TOTAL WITCH AND NOBODY EVEN NOTICED YOU LOST A POUND THIS MONTH.

 

  1. Call your lawyer about the DUI you got last night and make sure not to give into another breakfast burrito on your way to counselling.

 

  1. Don’t act like one of those kids on ‘My super sweet 16’ on the wedding day and have your boyfriend break up with you and leave in a car with his parents.

-C.K

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