The ten things I have learned over the midterm break. (So far)

1. Advising the guy you just met to ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself’ might lead to an uncomfortable conversation about your life choices and somehow the accusation of racial slurs.

2. Experimenting with fashion in order to fulfill some deep-routed necessity to be cool will lead to your parents asking you questions about your mental well-being. It will also lead to you looking like you were dressed by a young child for fun but also like a prostitute who doesn’t own a mirror or have any self-respect.

3. Complaining about the library opening times to the librarian will lead to her swearing under her breath and making some ‘get a life’ comment.

4. Telling your mother to ‘mind her own business’ is a bad idea.

5. Apologising to your mother for your narky ‘mind your own business’ comment might lead to her accusing you of being insincere.

6. The argument that follows with your mother will lead to you asking questions like ‘why did you even HAVE ME?’

7. Running into old friends and asking questions like ‘OH MY GOD ARE YOU PREGNANT?’ Is a bad idea.

8. Following up that mistake with an awkward, anti-social comment like ‘hey, bank holiday weekend weight, amIright?

9. Getting drunk on red wine and openly discussing your life choices with strangers instead of with your real friends will lead to resentment, anger and a guy with a neck tattoo of a bat telling you that you should learn to play the didgeridoo and become a nudist.

10. Accusing your counsellor of not taking you seriously as a person and telling her she reminds you of your weird aunt who always smells like old stuff will lead to you spending the rest of your midterm looking for a therapist who encompasses everything you believe in and who smells of anything young.

-C.K

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