Step one: Epic, crowd pleasing costume and good manners.
So the first thing you’re gonna wanna do is think long and hard about your costume choice. What you’re gonna wanna avoid is going as something obscene and offensive. Going as a ‘virgin’ and dressing like his older brother is supposedly not ok. You should also avoid being politically incorrect all evening and yelling ‘F*** YOU SALLY’ at his Aunt Sally before dumping confetti on her and spilling wine on her ‘shitty, old bag lady costume.’
Step two: Don’t invite your own friends to the family party.
Not a good idea to invite the rehab gang to his folks shindig. You should probably avoid getting drunk and enabling Emily by calling her dealer and inviting him to the soireé as well. This will only lead to Emily losing 10 months of her intensive rehab plan, all of your friends being pissed at you and your boyfriend’s parents asking you to leave. Probably. This is totally hypothetical of course.
Step three: Don’t vomit on his little sister’s art project.
‘ART?! HAHAHAHAHA I totally didn’t mean to vomit on the art, looks like left over dinner, I didn’t realise.’ Apparently is not an appropriate justification.
Step four: Don’t get so drunk that you cry and call your dad at 4am to come get you from their pond, which you have been refusing to get out of for the last 45 minutes.
Step five: Don’t try to make amends the next day by making an 80s mix-tape and playing it outside his window. Then don’t get into a fight with his mother on the lawn. Don’t tell her she has a weird attachment to her son. Definitely don’t use the ‘I’ word. You should refrain from hitting his sister and telling her she resembles an ape. You should probably avoid daring them to call the cops. Then, you shouldn’t assault the cop and make a huge scene in the local police station, get a criminal record and go on to make a public shrine to your boyfriend to win him over.
Step six: Try not to hold a personal grudge against Halloween and end up in therapy for two years.
Thanks for reading! Tom, if you’re reading this, I’ve changed. I mean it. I won’t ever hit your sister again. I just need one chance.