1. Advising the guy you just met to ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself’ might lead to an uncomfortable conversation about your life choices and somehow the accusation of racial slurs.
2. Experimenting with fashion in order to fulfill some deep-routed necessity to be cool will lead to your parents asking you questions about your mental well-being. It will also lead to you looking like you were dressed by a young child for fun but also like a prostitute who doesn’t own a mirror or have any self-respect.
3. Complaining about the library opening times to the librarian will lead to her swearing under her breath and making some ‘get a life’ comment.
4. Telling your mother to ‘mind her own business’ is a bad idea.
5. Apologising to your mother for your narky ‘mind your own business’ comment might lead to her accusing you of being insincere.
6. The argument that follows with your mother will lead to you asking questions like ‘why did you even HAVE ME?’
7. Running into old friends and asking questions like ‘OH MY GOD ARE YOU PREGNANT?’ Is a bad idea.
8. Following up that mistake with an awkward, anti-social comment like ‘hey, bank holiday weekend weight, amIright?
9. Getting drunk on red wine and openly discussing your life choices with strangers instead of with your real friends will lead to resentment, anger and a guy with a neck tattoo of a bat telling you that you should learn to play the didgeridoo and become a nudist.
10. Accusing your counsellor of not taking you seriously as a person and telling her she reminds you of your weird aunt who always smells like old stuff will lead to you spending the rest of your midterm looking for a therapist who encompasses everything you believe in and who smells of anything young.
Step one: Epic, crowd pleasing costume and good manners.
So the first thing you’re gonna wanna do is think long and hard about your costume choice. What you’re gonna wanna avoid is going as something obscene and offensive. Going as a ‘virgin’ and dressing like his older brother is supposedly not ok. You should also avoid being politically incorrect all evening and yelling ‘F*** YOU SALLY’ at his Aunt Sally before dumping confetti on her and spilling wine on her ‘shitty, old bag lady costume.’
Step two: Don’t invite your own friends to the family party.
Not a good idea to invite the rehab gang to his folks shindig. You should probably avoid getting drunk and enabling Emily by calling her dealer and inviting him to the soireé as well. This will only lead to Emily losing 10 months of her intensive rehab plan, all of your friends being pissed at you and your boyfriend’s parents asking you to leave. Probably. This is totally hypothetical of course.
Step three: Don’t vomit on his little sister’s art project.
‘ART?! HAHAHAHAHA I totally didn’t mean to vomit on the art, looks like left over dinner, I didn’t realise.’ Apparently is not an appropriate justification.
Step four: Don’t get so drunk that you cry and call your dad at 4am to come get you from their pond, which you have been refusing to get out of for the last 45 minutes.
Step five: Don’t try to make amends the next day by making an 80s mix-tape and playing it outside his window. Then don’t get into a fight with his mother on the lawn. Don’t tell her she has a weird attachment to her son. Definitely don’t use the ‘I’ word. You should refrain from hitting his sister and telling her she resembles an ape. You should probably avoid daring them to call the cops. Then, you shouldn’t assault the cop and make a huge scene in the local police station, get a criminal record and go on to make a public shrine to your boyfriend to win him over.
Step six: Try not to hold a personal grudge against Halloween and end up in therapy for two years.
Thanks for reading! Tom, if you’re reading this, I’ve changed. I mean it. I won’t ever hit your sister again. I just need one chance.