How to make the make your boyfriend’s parents love you.

1. Take an interest in their hobbies.

They go to mass? Excellent, a simple way to bond with them. Ask if you can join them next Sunday. They will LOVE it. Now, don’t forget to go buy a HUGE cross necklace and a shit ton of rosary beads and a kippah, that’s Catholic, isn’t it? Go in costume too, all good Christians do this at mass. Dress as the virgin Mary to properly emphasise how wholesome you are. You will fit right in with his family and they will probably ask you to start calling them ‘mum’ and ‘dad’. Another pro, at least this way you don’t have to try remember their names.

‘Nancy or some shizz? But I don’t know what her name is.’

2. Compliment their home.

Quick and easy way to get on his mother’s good side. Don’t be too fake. Be honest and warm. Something like: ‘Your house is beautiful, makes my house look like a sh*thole.’ Or ‘No, don’t be crazy, this place is so tidy. You think this is untidy you should have seen my ex’s house, place was a freakin’ crack den.’ Congrats, his mother probably adores you now.

3. Pretend to have wholesome and charitable hobbies.

‘Yes, I read to blind kittens every Wednesday, it is just so rewarding.’

‘I can’t attend that mass I’m afraid, I have a meeting with the Alcoholics I am mentoring.’

4. Take his younger siblings under your wing.

His sister is 17? Perfect age to take her to an illegal poker game and a strip club. Gotta get acquainted with the real world sooner or later. Just tell his folks you took her to bible study.

5. Appear worldly.

Tell them you speak a bunch of languages fluently, they’ll love it. When they inevitably ask you to say something in French (or whatever other language you lied about speaking) just wing it: ‘Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?’

Congratulations, your boyfriend’s parents now love you. You fit right in with the entire family. Start thinking about what you’ll wear in the next family photo. Sure, you lied a little but they’ll never know just as long as you don’t forget the lies. You’re welcome.

IMG0018

IMG0090

-C.K

Advertisements