How to be a woman.

Remove all body hair!

Baby fresh! Just the way men like it! Trust me; it’s the first step to gaining the affections of the opposite sex. It’ll only cost you a few thousand on laser hair removal and/or waxing a year. Nobody wants to cuddle up to a gorilla at night. Also, remove that natural tash, we don’t want men thinking we’re human. I like to say I am going to a tea party or a ‘woman related thing’ when my man asks me where I am going on wax day. Don’t forget your headscarf and sunglasses; we don’t want the neighbours to talk.

2. Everyone loves a damsel…

Act significantly dumber than you are. Simple as. Men love to swoop in and save the day. It’s important you don’t act intelligent or capable as it will only make your Neanderthal feel unneeded and inadequate. Start with ‘I can’t open this jar’ or ‘I can’t reach this self’. He’ll think ‘silly, adorable woman’ and pat you on the head. Success. His self-esteem= boosted. Woman’s job done.

3. Perfume.

It is of vital importance that we don’t give away our secrets to men. They cannot ever find out that we weren’t born with that Marc Jacobs scent and instead we purchase it for eighty euro a bottle on a yearly basis. We cannot ruin the illusion. Make sure to be cloaked in a suffocating amount of perfume at all times. Men like their women to smell sweet and intoxicating at all times. Fact.

4. Fake eyelashes.

No real man wants a gal who has eyelashes less than a few centimetres. Can’t see? Suck it up. Looking good for your man is more important than sight.

5. Underwear.

Despite the fact he wears unattractive baggy underwear that reminds you of a fourteen year old that doesn’t mean you should follow suit. Your man expects sex appeal. Constantly. No matter where you are or what you’re doing make sure to have that lacy, tight corset and non-existent thong on so your man isn’t repulsed by you. You should always resemble a little gift waiting to be unwrapped. Your ribs might by hyper-sensitive from the snug corset but think of how much prettier you look. You look like you just walked off the set of a Robin Thicke video and I am sure your man loves it!

6. Nail Paint?!!?

I know this is going to sound bizarre but get some paint and coat your finger and toenails with it. It shows you’re feminine and makes you pretty during mating season.

7. Heels.

I don’t mean that bottom part of your foot, I mean high heels. Heels make you look a few inches taller and make clicky noises when you walk. Nuff said.

8. Lipstick.

Cover your lips with a gluey lip coating for extra sex appeal. Red is the best colour. Men love red. Red is the colour of beauty. Be sure to ignore the natural outline of your lips. Instead buy a lip pencil and draw a new outline. A bigger, prettier one. Men love that Scarlett Johansson pout.

Hopefully by now you have accumulated some of the basics required to make your caveman think you are attractive, like a Barbie Doll. So, in conclusion, being hairless, colourful, and a few inches taller than you really are will give you the best opportunity to attract a male. Don’t forget that push up bra. Men love those fatty mammary glands. How primal of them. Good luck on your quest for survival! You will need it. It’s a man eat man world out there.

-C.K

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