How to have a productive weekend. By Christina Kenny: Full-time bad-ass and haver of productive weekends.

Step one: Don’t get distracted by unrelated activities.

He hasn’t called you in like four hours, WHATEVER. Not like you guys had a major fight or anything, especially about his ex-hag of a girlfriend Laura.

Step two: Stop wearing trousers.

Trousers are just holding you back from being the zen goddess you are. How are you expected to write a best-selling novel or paint a master-piece with expensive fabric coating your legs? You want to be at one with nature. Feel the grass touch your skin. Don’t shower either. That natural musk is grounding you.

Ringing phone? Ignore that asshole, he doesn’t deserve your time.

Step three: Stay up really late Friday and make up for it most of Saturday.

Go out, drink, have fun with your friends. How else are you gonna get inspired!? You are making memories here. Sure, vomiting on the waitress at the time seems bad but it is merely shaping you into the worldly and cultured woman you are supposed to become. All geniuses have interesting histories. Make sure to sleep until around 2pm on Saturday. An artist can’t be expected to produce greatness on only a few hours sleep!

OH MY GOD. He did not just call you ‘babe’. WHAT A PATRONISING DOUCHE.

Step four: Take the time to start watching a new reality show.

Trust me, it’ll just help you relax in between huge epiphanies that will shape humanity, nothing more. Besides you can’t just watch the first episode of Jersey Shore and not find out if Snooki and JWow become besties like you hoped!

You know what? You made him all that he is. He doesn’t deserve you. Ignore the constantly beeping phone. Turn it off.

Step five: Ignore everyone around you.

Your family and friends are probably holding you back creatively.
‘Walk the dogs’
‘Clean the shower’
‘How did you manage to forget to pick up granny from the airport?!’
UGH. CAN’T THEY SEE YOU ARE TRYING TO HAVE A PRODUCTIVE WEEKEND.

Step six: Shake up your diet.

This will inspire you to think outside the box. Doritos and/or cereal from the box without milk are always good options. You got some on the sofa and all over yourself?! Who cares?! You are making magic here!

Doritos….Colin loved doritos…maybe I should turn that phone back on.

Step seven: Don’t be afraid to take breaks.

There is no shame in starting your master project and taking a quick break to nap or play a useful game like Odd Socks.

Just text him saying: ‘WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU.’

Step eight: Don’t let haterz ruin your productive weekend.

‘I CAN’T GO TO MASS RIGHT NOW MAM. FUNERAL OR NO FUNERAL I AM KINDA TRYING TO WRITE A BEST SELLING NOVEL THIS WEEKEND.’

Step nine: Changing plans.

Ok, ok so it’s Sunday night and you kinda haven’t really done anything. That’s ok, just make a plan for next weekend..right after that Friends marathon.
Include:Make pro and con list about that twat Colin cos he like totally doesn’t deserve your time. Remember that one time he called you ‘Christine’ cos he momentarily forgot your name? ASS-WIPE.

-C.K

FRIDAY

 

Sunday

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