How to be a woman.

Remove all body hair!

Baby fresh! Just the way men like it! Trust me; it’s the first step to gaining the affections of the opposite sex. It’ll only cost you a few thousand on laser hair removal and/or waxing a year. Nobody wants to cuddle up to a gorilla at night. Also, remove that natural tash, we don’t want men thinking we’re human. I like to say I am going to a tea party or a ‘woman related thing’ when my man asks me where I am going on wax day. Don’t forget your headscarf and sunglasses; we don’t want the neighbours to talk.

2. Everyone loves a damsel…

Act significantly dumber than you are. Simple as. Men love to swoop in and save the day. It’s important you don’t act intelligent or capable as it will only make your Neanderthal feel unneeded and inadequate. Start with ‘I can’t open this jar’ or ‘I can’t reach this self’. He’ll think ‘silly, adorable woman’ and pat you on the head. Success. His self-esteem= boosted. Woman’s job done.

3. Perfume.

It is of vital importance that we don’t give away our secrets to men. They cannot ever find out that we weren’t born with that Marc Jacobs scent and instead we purchase it for eighty euro a bottle on a yearly basis. We cannot ruin the illusion. Make sure to be cloaked in a suffocating amount of perfume at all times. Men like their women to smell sweet and intoxicating at all times. Fact.

4. Fake eyelashes.

No real man wants a gal who has eyelashes less than a few centimetres. Can’t see? Suck it up. Looking good for your man is more important than sight.

5. Underwear.

Despite the fact he wears unattractive baggy underwear that reminds you of a fourteen year old that doesn’t mean you should follow suit. Your man expects sex appeal. Constantly. No matter where you are or what you’re doing make sure to have that lacy, tight corset and non-existent thong on so your man isn’t repulsed by you. You should always resemble a little gift waiting to be unwrapped. Your ribs might by hyper-sensitive from the snug corset but think of how much prettier you look. You look like you just walked off the set of a Robin Thicke video and I am sure your man loves it!

6. Nail Paint?!!?

I know this is going to sound bizarre but get some paint and coat your finger and toenails with it. It shows you’re feminine and makes you pretty during mating season.

7. Heels.

I don’t mean that bottom part of your foot, I mean high heels. Heels make you look a few inches taller and make clicky noises when you walk. Nuff said.

8. Lipstick.

Cover your lips with a gluey lip coating for extra sex appeal. Red is the best colour. Men love red. Red is the colour of beauty. Be sure to ignore the natural outline of your lips. Instead buy a lip pencil and draw a new outline. A bigger, prettier one. Men love that Scarlett Johansson pout.

Hopefully by now you have accumulated some of the basics required to make your caveman think you are attractive, like a Barbie Doll. So, in conclusion, being hairless, colourful, and a few inches taller than you really are will give you the best opportunity to attract a male. Don’t forget that push up bra. Men love those fatty mammary glands. How primal of them. Good luck on your quest for survival! You will need it. It’s a man eat man world out there.

-C.K

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How to have a productive weekend. By Christina Kenny: Full-time bad-ass and haver of productive weekends.

Step one: Don’t get distracted by unrelated activities.

He hasn’t called you in like four hours, WHATEVER. Not like you guys had a major fight or anything, especially about his ex-hag of a girlfriend Laura.

Step two: Stop wearing trousers.

Trousers are just holding you back from being the zen goddess you are. How are you expected to write a best-selling novel or paint a master-piece with expensive fabric coating your legs? You want to be at one with nature. Feel the grass touch your skin. Don’t shower either. That natural musk is grounding you.

Ringing phone? Ignore that asshole, he doesn’t deserve your time.

Step three: Stay up really late Friday and make up for it most of Saturday.

Go out, drink, have fun with your friends. How else are you gonna get inspired!? You are making memories here. Sure, vomiting on the waitress at the time seems bad but it is merely shaping you into the worldly and cultured woman you are supposed to become. All geniuses have interesting histories. Make sure to sleep until around 2pm on Saturday. An artist can’t be expected to produce greatness on only a few hours sleep!

OH MY GOD. He did not just call you ‘babe’. WHAT A PATRONISING DOUCHE.

Step four: Take the time to start watching a new reality show.

Trust me, it’ll just help you relax in between huge epiphanies that will shape humanity, nothing more. Besides you can’t just watch the first episode of Jersey Shore and not find out if Snooki and JWow become besties like you hoped!

You know what? You made him all that he is. He doesn’t deserve you. Ignore the constantly beeping phone. Turn it off.

Step five: Ignore everyone around you.

Your family and friends are probably holding you back creatively.
‘Walk the dogs’
‘Clean the shower’
‘How did you manage to forget to pick up granny from the airport?!’
UGH. CAN’T THEY SEE YOU ARE TRYING TO HAVE A PRODUCTIVE WEEKEND.

Step six: Shake up your diet.

This will inspire you to think outside the box. Doritos and/or cereal from the box without milk are always good options. You got some on the sofa and all over yourself?! Who cares?! You are making magic here!

Doritos….Colin loved doritos…maybe I should turn that phone back on.

Step seven: Don’t be afraid to take breaks.

There is no shame in starting your master project and taking a quick break to nap or play a useful game like Odd Socks.

Just text him saying: ‘WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU.’

Step eight: Don’t let haterz ruin your productive weekend.

‘I CAN’T GO TO MASS RIGHT NOW MAM. FUNERAL OR NO FUNERAL I AM KINDA TRYING TO WRITE A BEST SELLING NOVEL THIS WEEKEND.’

Step nine: Changing plans.

Ok, ok so it’s Sunday night and you kinda haven’t really done anything. That’s ok, just make a plan for next weekend..right after that Friends marathon.
Include:Make pro and con list about that twat Colin cos he like totally doesn’t deserve your time. Remember that one time he called you ‘Christine’ cos he momentarily forgot your name? ASS-WIPE.

-C.K

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