Some of the things people have said to me that are totally not ok to say to me, or anyone, ever.

1. ‘Your hair is so fluffy. Like candyfloss or cotton wool’.

Do you think that is a compliment? What does that even mean? You describe me like some kind of 1950s doll. On what level do you think that is appropriate? When is the last time you heard a person describe their ideal mate to have ‘cotton wool’ hair? Not usually high on anyone’s priority list. Maybe you meant it positively? Perhaps I could have been in some of those advertisements for hair products? Maybe I could be the before shot? Thanks gal, I definitely won’t be asking my therapist is my hair looks particularly woolen later.


2. ‘Your nose is interesting’.

Well, I know it didn’t write any poetry lately or sell some of it’s original art so what exactly are you saying? No, it’s cool. I get it. My ski slope nose and I would like to leave now. Thanks.

3. ‘Have you ever heard of the fashion designer Paul-oh never mind, you defo haven’t.’

You are probably right. The underground city I live in doesn’t have fashion or clothes and I haven’t  left my shack in years anyway.

4. ‘I still can’t believe you guys have been dating for over two years. You are just SO different. I mean he’s so nice and you’re so….you guys are just so different!’

Why don’t you just kick me in the stomach? Yes, he somehow learned to get past how pure evil I am. Don’t worry though, his family have regular rituals where they douse me in holy water and pray in tongues.

5. ‘You are SO quirky’ typically immediately followed with ‘I love your jumper, it’s so retro.’

Thank you. I always wear this jumper when I am watching Countdown just before Bingo. It has 37 cats on it. I named ’em all.

I was going to continue but I have a date with some hair straighteners and my therapist.



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