The wonderful benefits of still having braces aged 20.

1. Looking fourteen and a half.

Everything is cheaper! Cinema tickets, theme park admission, everything! Just as long as you don’t want to get into a bar or a non-PG 13 movie you’re all good! This really is the life. Sure, next to your boyfriend you look like you’re being abducted but hey, gotta weigh up those pros and cons!

2. That glow in every photo.

Smile big and proud! From now on every photo you take is difficult to look at due to the huge glare that occurs when your metal mouth and the flash meet. Your friends will love having photos taken with you. Gives each photo that unique glow.

3. Forever a child.

You’ve had braces for the last four years and you literally haven’t aged at all. Just looking back at all of those ‘old’ family photos you don’t know if they were taken three years ago or last week, unless one of your friends is also in the photo. In which case you get to observe how she elegantly transformed from ugly duckling to swan while you’re standing next to her with your spinach embedded metal.

4. Awkward situations.

Absent mindedly biting on the edge of your sleeve in a lecture and then you notice that the fibres are stuck in your brackets. This is awkward and embarrassing. I am sure nobody will notice you awkwardly shuffling a little to break it free. Ok so that didn’t work and you seem to be gathering a crowd. Just ask the friend sitting next to you, the one looking the other way for help. She’ll be glad to lend a hand and it’ll be a proud friendship moment for all.

5. Sex appeal.

Whoever thinks a 20 year old with braces doesn’t sound hot clearly hasn’t seen one after any meal. All of those little metal spokes just storing up your food for later give you a competitive edge over the girl with the pearly white veneers. Tanned skin, white teeth? BORING. You are basically a little walking ball of interesting.

IMG_9451

6. Inner beauty.

Throughout the time your friends and family may refer to as ‘the dark ages’ you really have blossomed on the inside. You’ve learned what it truly means to be beautiful. You don’t care about a superficial exterior anymore. That is exactly why you haven’t showered or used ay cosmetic products in almost two years. You also don’t want to buy into the latest fashions. Besides, that knitted dress gives you character and that shade of grey goes with everything!

7. The brace-face references.

They always make you smile. Sure your therapist said something about them being the main cause of your inability to look in the mirror without twitching or swearing but what does he know?!

braceface2

8. Getting over your fear of dentists.

At first you were nervous about getting braces but by the end of your treatment you are well adjusted to the terminology and what not. You haven’t cried for your mummy in over six months now! Things are really looking up. Sure, occasionally when he asks for an ‘upper left demon’ or ‘LOADS of power chain’ you sob a little but hey, improvement none the less. Sometimes you even come close to feeling a little relaxed. Although you will never be able to forget the pig-like squeal you let out when he asks for some ‘fozzy’.

Then, when that light starts to appear at the end of the world’s longest tunnel and your orthodontist finally tells you they’re coming off try to play it cool. Ok, so you peed yourself a little and started crying on the receptionist, nobody warned you it would be so emotional. There really was no need to call the police. You hear me Sulford clinic? CHILL THE F*&% OUT. Ok, so I got a tad emotional and disrupted some of the other patients. I really don’t see that as grounds for a restraining order and a battery charge. Like, whatever.

Some of the things people have said to me that are totally not ok to say to me, or anyone, ever.

1. ‘Your hair is so fluffy. Like candyfloss or cotton wool’.

Do you think that is a compliment? What does that even mean? You describe me like some kind of 1950s doll. On what level do you think that is appropriate? When is the last time you heard a person describe their ideal mate to have ‘cotton wool’ hair? Not usually high on anyone’s priority list. Maybe you meant it positively? Perhaps I could have been in some of those advertisements for hair products? Maybe I could be the before shot? Thanks gal, I definitely won’t be asking my therapist is my hair looks particularly woolen later.

IMG0167

2. ‘Your nose is interesting’.

Well, I know it didn’t write any poetry lately or sell some of it’s original art so what exactly are you saying? No, it’s cool. I get it. My ski slope nose and I would like to leave now. Thanks.

3. ‘Have you ever heard of the fashion designer Paul-oh never mind, you defo haven’t.’

You are probably right. The underground city I live in doesn’t have fashion or clothes and I haven’t  left my shack in years anyway.

4. ‘I still can’t believe you guys have been dating for over two years. You are just SO different. I mean he’s so nice and you’re so….you guys are just so different!’

Why don’t you just kick me in the stomach? Yes, he somehow learned to get past how pure evil I am. Don’t worry though, his family have regular rituals where they douse me in holy water and pray in tongues.

5. ‘You are SO quirky’ typically immediately followed with ‘I love your jumper, it’s so retro.’

Thank you. I always wear this jumper when I am watching Countdown just before Bingo. It has 37 cats on it. I named ’em all.

I was going to continue but I have a date with some hair straighteners and my therapist.

-C.K