Making it through the exam period without being referred to a psychiatrist or getting into a physical altercation.

1. Live off coffee and energy drinks.

Your mother advised against it? What does she know? Down the red bull and the five espressos and you’ll be so wired you can stay awake for four days straight. Also, when you have extreme Diarrhoea that just means the energy drinks are working.

2. Empty your bank account.

The bus fare shouldn’t cost much and you can walk back to your apartment after the exam right? Wrong. You woke up late, so much for the espressos and missed the bus. The taxi cost your food allowance for the week and then when you get there the ‘cloakroom service’ are milk you even more. Let’s not forget all the exam binging. That 3am Mc Donald’s run isn’t free and no, strawberry milkshake is not one of your 5-a-day.

3. Find out if there is a shuttle bus…the day of your last exam.

Better late than never. Now you can get to the exam with ease and it’s free. You can relax now. Upon approach to the bus stop you notice that there are 300 people and a tiny paddy waggon. What can go wrong? After the herd of cattle somewhat dislocate your left shoulder you’re somehow still glass half full! You’ll stop by A &E after the exam. Knock back a naggin of vodka for the pain, besides it’ll make you more alert for the exam too.

4. Don’t go befriending strangers in the exam hall before the exam starts.

Your judgement is impaired. You haven’t slept properly in 8 days, you’re hyped on a mixture of coffee, sugary drinks, a shot for good luck and your roommate’s ADD meds. Ignore people. When you inevitably break this rule and you’re lying with your head on the lap of a philosophy student who keeps asking ‘what does it all mean?’ Don’t come crying to me.

5. Avoid everyone you know.

That’s right, if you want them to have any respect for you then they probably shouldn’t see your coffee and vomit stained jumper. They might ask questions like:

 ‘Do you have pink eye?’

‘When is the last time you showered?’

‘What is that on your top?’

‘Are you ok? Are you twitching?’

6. Don’t let this happen to your hair:

Image

 7. And finally don’t fall asleep in the exam.

There is no decent way to explain why you passed out an back handed the exam invigilator when she tried to wake you.

 

-C.K

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