Surviving a family wedding. Part one.

 

1. Be prepared to be yelled at, a lot.

‘What are you doing? You can’t grope the priest. Please start taking this rehearsal seriously!’

‘Didn’t anyone ever tell you that only the bride can wear white to the wedding?’

‘Who put the centre-pieces in the bin?’

‘A wedding is no place for racist jokes!!!’

2. Always find out who you’re talking to.

You’re mingling, being the excellent bridesmaid you’re supposed to be. You complimented the groom’s mother on her hat and you laughed at his creepy brother’s jokes whilst he was defo eye-f%*&ing the shizz outa you. Now, it’s getting late, it’s already 6pm for god’s sake and you’re a little bit wasted. Your beautiful red lipstick is no longer on your lips and your false eyelashes have been on your cheek for the last half hour. You’re talking to some old woman who won’t stop yapping on about how great the groom looks since he lost all that weight.

‘He just looks incredible, don’t ya think? That body!’

‘I guess. Hey, if you want a little play-time with him word on the street is he has been inside most people at this reception.  I’d go for it. Besides, we all know the bride has played around. I wonder why she’s not making eye contact with the best man. Ha.’

When the old hag is suddenly looking at you like you just tried to offer her heroine, it should be abundantly clear that she is the groom’s aunt or at least some relation of his or at least a normal, disgusted human being.  A normal person would realise this and pretend it’s a joke. A drunken, bitter bridesmaid with a fifth glass of wine however, may go on to tell her that the bride and the groom have had their ‘difficulties’ and that the bride defo has an eating disorder.

Don’t be that girl. Always find out how they know the bride and groom.

3. Don’t alter your bridesmaid dress without asking.

Apparently this will send your bridezilla into full rage mode. Extensions were pulled out, weaves were everywhere and now you’ll have to pay for her A &E trip, like whatever.

4. Don’t decide to make a speech after your sixth glass of wine.

‘Basically, to summarise: I am just glad Laura had her labia re-shaped. To the happy couple!’

5. Familiarise yourself with the church and type of mass they’ll have a few weeks in advance.

You think you’ve seen enough masses in television dramas to blend in? You should realise you’re wrong when you’re yelling ‘PRAISE JESUS’ between the vows and no one else is. Do not use this as an opportunity to take a solo on one of the hymns either.

 

Good luck with your own family wedding and remember, it’s supposedly not ok to ask the priest if he’s ever heard of the flying spaghetti monster religion or how much he gets paid. Ugh, whatever.

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-C.K