The main times when you may want to re-think whether or not it’s for you. Part One.

Contact lenses.

You don’t want to cause a ‘kerfuffle’ and come legging it out asking your mother to hurry up and then leaving without paying out of pure humiliation. Best to think about the fact that the lens goes in your eye before signing up for a contact lens trial. ‘You know what, I don’t think I need contact lenses’ upon him literally just taking out the lens will make you look like a tool. Now you can never go back to that Optician and you have to find a new one. Sigh. Also, the story about the girl who had a panic attack before dashing without paying at Specsavers made local news and your mental health is at an all-time low. You end up wearing sunglasses and a headscarf everytime you go into town for the next month in case people recognise you from the CCTV footage.

Babysitting.

You’ll think: easy way to make money, fun, good exercise running around after the children. Wrong. You didn’t think this through and future you will be so angry looking back. All babysitting left you with was a sore ankle, some very angry parents and the lack of desire to ever have a small, sticky elf of your own.

‘Ok, so I forgot about them. In all fairness, they were in a park! Not like I forgot about them in a knife shop! Besides I was cracked on Xanax cos I just got my wisdom teeth out. Chill the f*&k out.’

‘Does this mean I’m not getting paid because they are still alive like.’

A public shrine for a guy you went on a date with once.

You thought the date went excellently. You laughed, you chatted, you ate and he didn’t at all seem terrified of you! SUCCESS. Next step? Www.TomWillYouMarryMe.com. You think it’s sweet, romantic, cute even. His lawyer thinks it’s ‘grounds for a restraining order’ and ‘sexual harassment’. Obviously not everyone is as romantic and whimsical as you are. From now on you’ll just make a short Youtube clip instead.

Make your own music video to a Spice girls song.

Ok, ok, in your defence you do pull a really good Ginger spice but apparently future employers look that shit up and see it as reason enough to not give you a second interview. I know, insane. Especially since you made all the outfits yourself and had to get one hell of a tan to even slightly resemble Scary spice. You put a lot of effort into perfecting your lip syncing. Not to mention the €200 spent on dance lessons. The part where you dedicated the video to your dad was a sweet touch, regardless of what those girls at school said on the hate page.

mistakes

-C.K

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