So apparently pregnant women and new mothers are more hormonal than the main character of Carrie in a viewing of The Notebook. If you didn’t know this then you probably said something thy considered ‘insensitive’ or ‘rude’. Please enjoy these simple steps in avoiding offending them or sending them into early labour with anger.
1. ‘What is it?’
Yeah, been there. Is it a baby? A blob? I don’t really know but apparently it is not ok to say this because it’s ‘offensive’. You know what is offensive though? Showing me photos of your crazy eyed, sticky handed infant when I am trying to eat my lunch. I didn’t ask for it. The child may or may not be handling his/her own faeces in the photo and THIS is just not ok. What if I randomly whipped out a pic of myself, faeces in hand, laughing, in a half opened onesie while you sipped your soup? Appropriate?
2. ‘Wait, did you say he can count? Isn’t that really f*&^i@g basic?’
Big no-no. You will get a lecture on how four year old George (who you saw eat a ladybird three days ago) is a gifted genius. Must I even say more?
3. ‘Why are you still so fat? You gave birth like a month ago?’
This one will land you in the dog house with the whole family. They will frown upon your ‘inappropriate conduct at a good friend’s house’. Your mother wrapped up their home baked goods in tissues and put them in her bag for later but YOU were inappropriate.
4. ‘No, I don’t want to hold it.’
Queue complete silence in the room as a female did not want to hold the baby, I repeat did NOT want to hold the baby. Next thing you know your granny has the rosary beads out and everyone is lighting candles for your salvation. If your family is particularly oppressive they may even start talking about how when you have your own child it’ll be the ‘making of you’ etc. If you seem unresponsive the priest will casually be at tomorrow night’s dinner discussing the wonders of child raising.
5. ‘You have gotten like really hairy since you got preggers. Like proper ogre level of hairy. Monkey level even.’
After my stint in A&E and holding ice to my eye for about 3 hours I realised that probably wasn’t the right thing to say. Monkey was inaccurate, chimp would have been more appropriate.