Dating tips from a pro. How not to get rejected and/or get arrested. (Jason, if you’re reading this, it was meant as a joke! You didn’t have to call the police. Pansy.)

 

1. Don’t read too much into what he says.

He has just mentioned his ex was a high flying Cambridge student who was also a crazy talented artist. Don’t jump the gun and react immediately.

‘And what? I’m dumb as shit, is that what you’re saying?’

Best take a mature, collected, calm approach while still fishing for deets. Go with something more subtle like ‘Is this Erin girl still alive then or what?’

Excellently done.

                                                                  

2. Don’t over-think what to wear.

Try not to put too much thought into the outfit you plan on wearing. Don’t end up wearing eight outfits all at once just to please his every whim. Whoever told you that the nautical, Summer look went with your Christmas jumper and glittery socks lied.

Best go for an outfit that says: I’m fun, yet committed to you in every possible way even though it’s our first date.’ Get a t-shirt made with a photo of your future child on the front.  CGI works wonders these days. He’ll be dying to introduce you to his parents and settle down. Plus he’ll love your enthusiasm.

3. Don’t trust him too early on.

Men are all liars and thieves who want to empty your current account and sleep with that girl you never liked from across the road.

When he goes to the bathroom check his phone for anything that makes him look like a playa. If you find something incriminating don’t go crazy, you want a second date, remember? The best way to approach the situation is to just act normal and call your brother to teach him a lesson in the alley beside the restaurant after the date. Men LOVE ballsy women.

4. Keep him guessing.

Don’t give away all the goods too soon. I think all the ladies out there know what I mean. That’s right, make it unclear whether or not you actually have female genitalia. Men love the chase and thrill of mystery and the unknown.  

Congrats, you know have a handful of tips that make you a pro dater! What will you do with all the marriage proposals?!? When and if you get to the second date just don’t bring up religion, politics or his wooden leg.

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-C.K

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2 thoughts on “Dating tips from a pro. How not to get rejected and/or get arrested. (Jason, if you’re reading this, it was meant as a joke! You didn’t have to call the police. Pansy.)

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