1. Erase the past.
If he finds the three hate pages you made for your ex after he dumped you or the eighteen fake Facebook accounts commenting on it, he may freak out. Delete it all. Be sure to track down all the old photos you commented on and delete the comments too. Nobody likes to be dating the gal who left thirty two comments on her ex’s profile pic.
‘Cute pic xoxo’
‘The good old days xoxo’
‘Fine. Don’t respond.’
‘You know what John??? F*&K YOU. I gave you everything. I BET YOU HAD A THING FOR THAT SARAH GIRL EVEN THEN. YOU B*7%ARD.’
‘Sorry, take me back.’
‘Hahahaha awkward, was SOOOO drunk last night, what was I even saying? Hahahahahahahaha.’
2. Change your ways.
Stop with the crazy mind games. It is unfair and kind of insane to act so erratic and manic about your new love. Don’t be in his face. Give him space. One day when John junior and Leila are born you’ll tell them how daddy was playing hard to get for the first six months and mommy had to impregnate herself with daddy’s sperm that she stole. Adorable!
3. Get competitive.
Your last relationship was missing something, you can’t quite put your finger on it…? It was some healthy competition! Guys love this. Race him everywhere and don’t be afraid to express yourself when you’ve won.
‘HA. LOSER. Who was a wimp in secondary school? EH? WHO CAN’T RUN FOR SHIT. LITTLE FAT BOY!’
All great relationships are based on some level of competition. Don’t be afraid to get other guys numbers on a night out either and snapchat him pics of your potential new boyfriends if he doesn’t start manning up’.
4. Let him know how much you love him.
CONSTANTLY. It’s important to send out hourly emails and text messages every 15 minutes telling him. He hasn’t responded and it’s been six minutes? Ask him why he is cheating on you.
5. Make him realise how good he has it.
This is vital in a relationship and totally healthy. A good way to do this is to break him down and build him up again. Make him work for the love. All the psychology books say it!
‘You’ll always be a little tubster, won’t you? You repulse me a little on like sixty different levels and it sickens me to my core that we’re dating. I’m sorry, I am hormonal. I LOVE YOU.’
Ok, so you’re ‘on a break’ now because he has to ‘figure out what he wants’, whatever. Just change the name of one of the hate pages and get on with your life. You don’t need that sh%t. I don’t know why I said that, John if you’re reading, take me back. I’ll kill your family pet, is that what you want? This is what you’ve pushed me to. I love you. Hello?