The main times when you may want to re-think whether or not it’s for you. Part One.

Contact lenses.

You don’t want to cause a ‘kerfuffle’ and come legging it out asking your mother to hurry up and then leaving without paying out of pure humiliation. Best to think about the fact that the lens goes in your eye before signing up for a contact lens trial. ‘You know what, I don’t think I need contact lenses’ upon him literally just taking out the lens will make you look like a tool. Now you can never go back to that Optician and you have to find a new one. Sigh. Also, the story about the girl who had a panic attack before dashing without paying at Specsavers made local news and your mental health is at an all-time low. You end up wearing sunglasses and a headscarf everytime you go into town for the next month in case people recognise you from the CCTV footage.

Babysitting.

You’ll think: easy way to make money, fun, good exercise running around after the children. Wrong. You didn’t think this through and future you will be so angry looking back. All babysitting left you with was a sore ankle, some very angry parents and the lack of desire to ever have a small, sticky elf of your own.

‘Ok, so I forgot about them. In all fairness, they were in a park! Not like I forgot about them in a knife shop! Besides I was cracked on Xanax cos I just got my wisdom teeth out. Chill the f*&k out.’

‘Does this mean I’m not getting paid because they are still alive like.’

A public shrine for a guy you went on a date with once.

You thought the date went excellently. You laughed, you chatted, you ate and he didn’t at all seem terrified of you! SUCCESS. Next step? Www.TomWillYouMarryMe.com. You think it’s sweet, romantic, cute even. His lawyer thinks it’s ‘grounds for a restraining order’ and ‘sexual harassment’. Obviously not everyone is as romantic and whimsical as you are. From now on you’ll just make a short Youtube clip instead.

Make your own music video to a Spice girls song.

Ok, ok, in your defence you do pull a really good Ginger spice but apparently future employers look that shit up and see it as reason enough to not give you a second interview. I know, insane. Especially since you made all the outfits yourself and had to get one hell of a tan to even slightly resemble Scary spice. You put a lot of effort into perfecting your lip syncing. Not to mention the €200 spent on dance lessons. The part where you dedicated the video to your dad was a sweet touch, regardless of what those girls at school said on the hate page.

mistakes

-C.K

The five main things that are apparently not ok to say to pregnant women or new mothers.

So apparently pregnant women and new mothers are more hormonal than the main character of Carrie in a viewing of The Notebook. If you didn’t know this then you probably said something thy considered ‘insensitive’ or ‘rude’. Please enjoy these simple steps in avoiding offending them or sending them into early labour with anger.

1. ‘What is it?’

Yeah, been there. Is it a baby? A blob? I don’t really know but apparently it is not ok to say this because it’s ‘offensive’. You know what is offensive though? Showing me photos of your crazy eyed, sticky handed infant when I am trying to eat my lunch. I didn’t ask for it. The child may or may not be handling his/her own faeces in the photo and THIS is just not ok. What if I randomly whipped out a pic of myself, faeces in hand, laughing, in a half opened onesie while you sipped your soup? Appropriate?

2. ‘Wait, did you say he can count? Isn’t that really f*&^i@g basic?’

Big no-no. You will get a lecture on how four year old George (who you saw eat a ladybird three days ago) is a gifted genius. Must I even say more?

3. ‘Why are you still so fat? You gave birth like a month ago?’

This one will land you in the dog house with the whole family. They will frown upon your ‘inappropriate conduct at a good friend’s house’. Your mother wrapped up their home baked goods in tissues and put them in her bag for later but YOU were inappropriate.

 

4. ‘No, I don’t want to hold it.’

Queue complete silence in the room as a female did not want to hold the baby, I repeat did NOT want to hold the baby. Next thing you know your granny has the rosary beads out and everyone is lighting candles for your salvation. If your family is particularly oppressive they may even start talking about how when you have your own child it’ll be the ‘making of you’ etc. If you seem unresponsive the priest will casually be at tomorrow night’s dinner discussing the wonders of child raising.

5. ‘You have gotten like really hairy since you got preggers. Like proper ogre level of hairy. Monkey level even.’

After my stint in A&E and holding ice to my eye for about 3 hours I realised that probably wasn’t the right thing to say. Monkey was inaccurate, chimp would have been more appropriate.

-C.K

Dating tips from a pro. How not to get rejected and/or get arrested. (Jason, if you’re reading this, it was meant as a joke! You didn’t have to call the police. Pansy.)

 

1. Don’t read too much into what he says.

He has just mentioned his ex was a high flying Cambridge student who was also a crazy talented artist. Don’t jump the gun and react immediately.

‘And what? I’m dumb as shit, is that what you’re saying?’

Best take a mature, collected, calm approach while still fishing for deets. Go with something more subtle like ‘Is this Erin girl still alive then or what?’

Excellently done.

                                                                  

2. Don’t over-think what to wear.

Try not to put too much thought into the outfit you plan on wearing. Don’t end up wearing eight outfits all at once just to please his every whim. Whoever told you that the nautical, Summer look went with your Christmas jumper and glittery socks lied.

Best go for an outfit that says: I’m fun, yet committed to you in every possible way even though it’s our first date.’ Get a t-shirt made with a photo of your future child on the front.  CGI works wonders these days. He’ll be dying to introduce you to his parents and settle down. Plus he’ll love your enthusiasm.

3. Don’t trust him too early on.

Men are all liars and thieves who want to empty your current account and sleep with that girl you never liked from across the road.

When he goes to the bathroom check his phone for anything that makes him look like a playa. If you find something incriminating don’t go crazy, you want a second date, remember? The best way to approach the situation is to just act normal and call your brother to teach him a lesson in the alley beside the restaurant after the date. Men LOVE ballsy women.

4. Keep him guessing.

Don’t give away all the goods too soon. I think all the ladies out there know what I mean. That’s right, make it unclear whether or not you actually have female genitalia. Men love the chase and thrill of mystery and the unknown.  

Congrats, you know have a handful of tips that make you a pro dater! What will you do with all the marriage proposals?!? When and if you get to the second date just don’t bring up religion, politics or his wooden leg.

Image

-C.K

How to deal with having your second boyfriend.

1. Erase the past.

If he finds the three hate pages you made for your ex after he dumped you or the eighteen fake Facebook accounts commenting on it, he may freak out. Delete it all. Be sure to track down all the old photos you commented on and delete the comments too. Nobody likes to be dating the gal who left thirty two comments on her ex’s profile pic.

‘Cute pic xoxo’

‘The good old days xoxo’

‘Fine. Don’t respond.’

‘You know what John??? F*&K YOU. I gave you everything. I BET YOU HAD A THING FOR THAT SARAH GIRL EVEN THEN. YOU B*7%ARD.’

‘Sorry, take me back.’

‘Hahahaha awkward, was SOOOO drunk last night, what was I even saying? Hahahahahahahaha.’

2. Change your ways.

Stop with the crazy mind games. It is unfair and kind of insane to act so erratic and manic about your new love. Don’t be in his face. Give him space. One day when John junior and Leila are born you’ll tell them how daddy was playing hard to get for the first six months and mommy had to impregnate herself with daddy’s sperm that she stole. Adorable!

3. Get competitive.

Your last relationship was missing something, you can’t quite put your finger on it…? It was some healthy competition! Guys love this. Race him everywhere and don’t be afraid to express yourself when you’ve won.

‘HA. LOSER. Who was a wimp in secondary school? EH? WHO CAN’T RUN FOR SHIT. LITTLE FAT BOY!’

All great relationships are based on some level of competition. Don’t be afraid to get other guys numbers on a night out either and snapchat him pics of your potential new boyfriends if he doesn’t start manning up’.

4. Let him know how much you love him.

CONSTANTLY. It’s important to send out hourly emails and text messages every 15 minutes telling him. He hasn’t responded and it’s been six minutes? Ask him why he is cheating on you.

5. Make him realise how good he has it.

This is vital in a relationship and totally healthy. A good way to do this is to break him down and build him up again. Make him work for the love. All the psychology books say it!

‘You’ll always be a little tubster, won’t you? You repulse me a little on like sixty different levels and it sickens me to my core that we’re dating.  I’m sorry, I am hormonal. I LOVE YOU.’

Ok, so you’re ‘on a break’ now because he has to ‘figure out what he wants’, whatever. Just change the name of one of the hate pages and get on with your life. You don’t need that sh%t. I don’t know why I said that, John if you’re reading, take me back. I’ll kill your family pet, is that what you want? This is what you’ve pushed me to. I love you. Hello?

-C.K

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