Step one: come off your anti-psychotic meds. You’re in love now, that’s all the medicine you need.
Step two: Get to know all his friends and slowly eliminate the ones posing a threat to your relationship. In most cases: ALL OF THEM. You’ve seen the way Tom looks at him and you don’t like it.
Step three: Remember how he said he fell in love with you because you looked so sweet and angelic and he just loved your long golden locks? CUT THAT SHIT OFF. Dye your hair some crazy colour, just like you’ve always wanted to, pierce every possible piece of skin on your body, go wild. Surely he’ll love it?
Step four: Share everything with him.
He needs to know all about your menstrual pattern otherwise he’s not really part of you. Don’t be afraid to ask him to buy you your extra jumbo tampons and your go-to painkiller.
Step five: Always say what you feel, when you feel it.
‘I think your mother should lose like ten-fourteen pounds. WHAT? IT’S FOR HER HEALTH. I AM JUST TRYING TO LOVE HER AND LOOK OUT FOR HER.’
Step six: Make sure to ask him to change every part of himself.
Guys love it when you try and change them. Christian? Nah, you guys are switching to Judaism to feel closer together and his love of dogs really isn’t ok. Get him a cat for his birthday.
Step seven: If you feel like crying, don’t hold back.
Big deal you’re in the middle of an intimate family event but he hasn’t even noticed you’ve trimmed 0.5cm of your hair. Sure it might lead to this..
‘IT WASN’T ABOUT THE FUKING HAIR CUT. IT’S ABOUT HOW YOU NEVER PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN I NEED IT. YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING LOVE ME. WHY DO YOU HATE ME? WHY DO YOU HATE US?’
Seems very necessary and unavoidable to me.
Step eight: Show up uninvited to all of his social outings.
Guys love this. Boys night? Nah, they hate that shit. What they really want is you showing up mid hang out asking them to stop playing video games and to listen to your new Taylor Swift C.D instead. If they don’t know the lyrics to ‘We are never ever getting back together’ then now is a good time to teach them. Don’t forget to share funny stories about yourself to bond with them.
‘See I like, totally didn’t even take her stupid dress, I don’t know where it is and why would she even accuse me anyway? UGH. I HATE HER. Don’t you guys hate her? Her eyebrows are way over-plucked, don’t ya think?’
Step nine: Always rain on his parade.
He just got a full scholarship to his University of choice? Excellent time to tell him how sad you feel about all of the hardship people, everywhere are experiencing.
Step ten: Tell him you don’t want his mother at the wedding and don’t forget to mention that his dad gives you ‘the creeps’. Guys appreciate honesty. I think it’s best to stick your faces onto that of a real life bride and groom so you can properly visualise how beautiful you’ll both be on your wedding day THAT IS DEFINITELY GOING AHEAD. If he seems in any way doubtful say you might be pregnant, he’ll appreciate the little white lie later on, when you’re happily married.
And finally, when you’re being sectioned and he breaks up with you cos of your mental instability or whatever tell everyone he was actually gay anyway. – CK