1. Always have the upper hand.
Okay so he broke up with you cos you’re ‘bat shit crazy’ or whatever. You won him back with your crazy eyes and emotional black-mail. Now: break up with him. That’s right. Relationships are all about having the upper-hand and being in control. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
It’s not permanent…you’ll take him back in 5-10 days after he’s suffered sufficiently.
2. Damage Control.
Remember those rumours you spread about his homosexual tendencies? While you guys are apart quickly track down all the people you told.
3. Plan ahead, again.
Once you’ve taken the sly dog back don’t be afraid to start planning the inevitable wedding. He seemed somewhat freaked out by this last time though so be subtle. Drop hints, be classy about it. Show up to his house in a wedding dress. That should do it. He’s bound to ask you on Valentine’s day.
4. Always tell him you don’t want anything for your birthday, makes you look super worldly and not at all materialistic.
When he doesn’t get you anything teach that bitch a lesson.
‘BUT I DIDN’T WANT A PIECE OF SHIT CARD. I WANTED AN ACTUAL GIFT. DIAMONDS ARE A GIRLS BEST FRIEND. F&CK THIS.’
5. Pick fights with him regularly.
That’s what all healthy relationships consist of, isn’t it?
‘Did you just look at that girl? You totally did? What the hell?’
6. Don’t be afraid of your feelings, ever.
‘Your best friend is kind of a babe, have you noticed? I wonder how often he works out.’
7. Lie to him as much as is necessary.
‘What did I eat for dinner? Just a salad.’
‘No, I have no idea where your phone is.’
‘I don’t know where the tenner in your wallet went.’
‘I love your shirt, it doesn’t at all remind me of a creepier version of Uncle Buck on holiday.’
‘I didn’t even hit her, she fell and I didn’t see her face.’
‘It’s barely a criminal offence.’
‘Yeah, I felt so bad for your sister when she was hit by that car too.’
8. Test him frequently.
Get your best friend to try it on with him and when he resists come running at him congratulating him for not being a sleazy, cheating rat! Guys love being tested!!
When the relationship ends for the second time because he can’t deal with your ‘mood swings’ and ‘undiagnosed schizophrenia’ make out with his best friend in a public place and threaten to make his naked pics public. You probably won’t have enough stamina for round three so I guess this is goodbye? You never know though, maybe the entire relationship will make a good blog post one day. –CK.