How to deal with having your first boyfriend part two. Getting back together after the first break up.

1. Always have the upper hand.

Okay so he broke up with you cos you’re ‘bat shit crazy’ or whatever. You won him back with your crazy eyes and emotional black-mail. Now: break up with him. That’s right. Relationships are all about having the upper-hand and being in control. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

It’s not permanent…you’ll take him back in 5-10 days after he’s suffered sufficiently.

2. Damage Control.

Remember those rumours you spread about his homosexual tendencies? While you guys are apart quickly track down all the people you told.

3. Plan ahead, again.

Once you’ve taken the sly dog back don’t be afraid to start planning the inevitable wedding. He seemed somewhat freaked out by this last time though so be subtle. Drop hints, be classy about it. Show up to his house in a wedding dress. That should do it. He’s bound to ask you on Valentine’s day.

4. Always tell him you don’t want anything for your birthday, makes you look super worldly and not at all materialistic.

When he doesn’t get you anything teach that bitch a lesson.

‘BUT I DIDN’T WANT A PIECE OF SHIT CARD. I WANTED AN ACTUAL GIFT. DIAMONDS ARE A GIRLS BEST FRIEND. F&CK THIS.’

5. Pick fights with him regularly.

That’s what all healthy relationships consist of, isn’t it?

‘Did you just look at that girl? You totally did? What the hell?’

6. Don’t be afraid of your feelings, ever.

‘Your best friend is kind of a babe, have you noticed? I wonder how often he works out.’

7. Lie to him as much as is necessary.

‘What did I eat for dinner? Just a salad.’

‘No, I have no idea where your phone is.’

‘I don’t know where the tenner in your wallet went.’

‘I love your shirt, it doesn’t at all remind me of a creepier version of Uncle Buck on holiday.’

‘I didn’t even hit her, she fell and I didn’t see her face.’

‘It’s barely a criminal offence.’

‘Yeah, I felt so bad for your sister when she was hit by that car too.’

8. Test him frequently.

Get your best friend to try it on with him and when he resists come running at him congratulating him for not being a sleazy, cheating rat! Guys love being tested!!

When the relationship ends for the second time because he can’t deal with your ‘mood swings’ and ‘undiagnosed schizophrenia’ make out with his best friend in a public place and threaten to make his naked pics public. You probably won’t have enough stamina for round three so I guess this is goodbye? You never know though, maybe the entire relationship will make a good blog post one day. –CK.

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How to deal with having your first boyfriend.

Step one: come off your anti-psychotic meds. You’re in love now, that’s all the medicine you need.

Step two: Get to know all his friends and slowly eliminate the ones posing a threat to your relationship. In most cases: ALL OF THEM. You’ve seen the way Tom looks at him and you don’t like it.

Step three: Remember how he said he fell in love with you because you looked so sweet and angelic and he just loved your long golden locks? CUT THAT SHIT OFF. Dye your hair some crazy colour, just like you’ve always wanted to, pierce every possible piece of skin on your body, go wild. Surely he’ll love it?

Step four:  Share everything with him.

 He needs to know all about your menstrual pattern otherwise he’s not really part of you.  Don’t be afraid to ask him to buy you your extra jumbo tampons and your go-to painkiller.

Step five: Always say what you feel, when you feel it.

‘I think your mother should lose like ten-fourteen pounds. WHAT? IT’S FOR HER HEALTH. I AM JUST TRYING TO LOVE HER AND LOOK OUT FOR HER.’

Step six: Make sure to ask him to change every part of himself.

Guys love it when you try and change them.  Christian? Nah, you guys are switching to Judaism to feel closer together and his love of dogs really isn’t ok. Get him a cat for his birthday.

Step seven: If you feel like crying, don’t hold back.

Big deal you’re in the middle of an intimate family event but he hasn’t even noticed you’ve trimmed 0.5cm of your hair. Sure it might lead to this..

‘IT WASN’T ABOUT THE FUKING HAIR CUT. IT’S ABOUT HOW YOU NEVER PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN I NEED IT. YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING LOVE ME. WHY DO YOU HATE ME? WHY DO YOU HATE US?’

Seems very necessary and unavoidable to me.

Step eight: Show up uninvited to all of his social outings.

Guys love this. Boys night? Nah, they hate that shit. What they really want is you showing up mid hang out asking them to stop playing video games and to listen to your new Taylor Swift C.D instead. If they don’t know the lyrics to ‘We are never ever getting back together’ then now is a good time to teach them. Don’t forget to share funny stories about yourself to bond with them.

‘See I like, totally didn’t even take her stupid dress, I don’t know where it is and why would she even accuse me anyway? UGH. I HATE HER. Don’t you guys hate her? Her eyebrows are way over-plucked, don’t ya think?’

Step nine: Always rain on his parade.

He just got a full scholarship to his University of choice? Excellent time to tell him how sad you feel about all of the hardship people, everywhere are experiencing.

Step ten: Tell him you don’t want his mother at the wedding and don’t forget to mention that his dad gives you ‘the creeps’. Guys appreciate honesty. I think it’s best to stick your faces onto that of a real life bride and groom so you can properly visualise how beautiful you’ll both be on your wedding day THAT IS DEFINITELY GOING AHEAD. If he seems in any way doubtful say you might be pregnant, he’ll appreciate the little white lie later on, when you’re happily married.

And finally, when you’re being sectioned and he breaks up with you cos of your mental instability or whatever tell everyone he was actually gay anyway. – CK

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Being a Scientist:Expectations versus the sad, undeniable reality.

1. Before starting my degree… At first I thought I was a Scully type with a science edge.

Expectation:

That lab coat will fit me like a glove and I’ll constantly be taking off my glasses and biting on the edge before some major break-through. I’d wear heels that made a clicking sound as I walked and all the male scientists would look at me in awe and ask questions like ‘Can you review my paper?’ etc.

Reality:

All of the lab coats are huge, beyond huge, four of me could fit into one. People gave me funny looks as I had to frequently roll up the sleeves so they weren’t a fire hazard. The ‘biting on the end of my glasses’? Tried it once, they fell and I spent about 5 minutes patting the ground like a twat looking for them. The male scientists did look at me in awe though mostly because they were so impressed with how I managed to get 90% of my lunch caught in my braces. Sexy. As for being a total Scientific genius? I mispronounced most words incorrectly for the first six months and nobody ever seemed to know what I was talking about.

‘I’m talking about Denturification.’

‘You mean DENITRIFICATION?’

‘Calm down.’

2. I thought I’d be a tad Dr. House by the end of first year. Witty but cynical and people would respect the heck out of me.

Expectation:

They’d all call me by my last name and everyone would know it. I’d be the go-to gal. The chosen one of the bunch. The rest would follow me around trying to buy me coffee and befriend me but I wouldn’t have time for friends what with all the crazy opportunities I’m getting due to my abnormally high IQ.

Reality:

On a class night out I got talking to a guy in my class who asked me what I was studying. I knew his name…we’re Facebook friends. Most of the other white coated shit bags called me ‘Christine’ for…well…pretty much ever. Nobody tried to buy me coffee but one girl did spill fresh, boiling hot coffee all down my new ‘things are gonna change’ shirt. Highlight of the semester. Also I realised just how intellectually challenged I was when I was sitting in on a geology lecture for 45 minutes without realising I was in the wrong theatre.

The list actually goes on and on but I became severely depressed after that last one and by the time my parents had stopped me threatening to stab the neighbour I did not have it in me to go on. – CK