The 3 very healthy techniques I use to avoid talking to people I don’t like.

1) The ‘I can’t see you’ manoeuvre.

You’re walking along, birds are singing and children are giggling. It’s a good day. You didn’t fall out of bed or drunkenly vomit on your new roommate last night, no, you got a good night sleep an you’re ready to take on the day. You even feel more energetic than normal. Maybe you’re getting younger?!? It all comes to a crashing halt when you see Laura ‘shit bag’ O’ Brian. She has noticed you. She’s coming towards you. Implement emergency evasive manoeuvre and run like a little bitch. This usually works. Healthy and not at all weird. Totally normal. Dr. Phil probably advises it. Yeah, so a few of those times you’ve fallen over and gashed your head of a wall, big whoop. Worth it. Four hours of A&E and the emotional trauma? Worth every second of avoiding that Sloth.

2) The ‘is my phone ringing’ step.

 We’ve all been there. Joe ‘Crazy horse’ Kenny is coming towards you and you’re not in the mood to figure out which of his personalities you’re talking to right now so instead you casually take out your phone and start talking. Except your attempt to be slick and casual is a total delusion and you’re more like:

‘HELLO? HI YOU. MAM. HI MAM. I’M SO BUSY. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. MAM. HOW ARE YOU? MAM. I AM JUST WALKING MAM. LOVE YOU MAM.’

All said exceptionally loudly and with crazy eyes just to be sure he heard you. Better hope you’re not that unfortunate loser who’s phone rings during…although what’s worse the phone ringing or the fact that Mad horse Joe now thinks you’re weird. When Joe thinks you’re weird, ya got problems.

3) The ‘Never talk to me again’ move.

It’s too late to run and your phone isn’t at hand. Plan C: actually talk to the subject despite your burning hatred for them. Only one way to act here: Bat shit crazy.

‘CHRISTINA! I haven’t seen you in forever! Why weren’t you at the class party?’ She asks, that bitch.

‘I was busy eating my hair that night. Hehe. Hair. I like yours. Real shiny.’

She walks away creeped out and avoids you from now on. Sound. But now all of your other friends avoid you too and your student’s union are doing an awareness day for Trichophagia and ask you to be a guest speaker.

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