Meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time. Some blindingly obvious tips.

1) Think before you speak.

I know, painfully obvious right? Not when you accidentally start swearing like a sailor loudly on the phone while his entire family sits behind you in the dining room in disgust.

‘You did what? Haha, f*&% off, you mad Bas%*£$. Nah, just at the ‘ole ball and chains, yanno, like a f*&%in’ funeral home over here.’

2) Don’t always answer questions truthfully.

They want a nice Catholic girl for their son, one who bakes, loves children, dresses conservatively and enjoys reading cook books in her spare time. You don’t always have this in mind when you start a story of how your friend got on Heroin that Summer you spent in Rome.

‘See, she didn’t exactly become a crack whore, that’s a strong label, she only had sex for drugs maybe 3 times? I mean, come on, who are we to judge, I’ve probably done worse on a regular Saturday night.’

Good luck going back on that one when his mother has tears in her eyes and his granny is splashing you with holy water.

3) Don’t make thoughtless statements.

His mother is showing you around the house, making polite, feminine chit-chat. Things are finally starting to go a bit better and you can relax a little. She shows you her wedding album and you make all the right sounds ‘oh you look lovely’ or ‘Your hair is so stylish, even then’. Then she comments on how she still has the dress and if you and her precious little boy ever tied the knot you could wear the dress and you thoughtless respond ‘Ha, would they still let me wear white after the craic we’ve been at?’ and continue flicking the pages while she looks on horrified. Future mother in law? Not if she has anything to do with it.

4. Don’t give his family assumed nick names.

When his mother asks who’s putting the bins out?’ Best not to say something like ‘Big John is’.  Chances are his family don’t call him that and have probably never really addressed the fact that he is, well…big.

5. Don’t make assumptions and then use them as a source of conversation.

‘So when did you come out to everyone then Alice?’ Nobody knew his sister was gay. Not even her. And maybe she isn’t. Sure, you saw her look at some questionable things online earlier and she’s a little butch and appears to be angry at the world for some unknown reason but best keep that to yourself.  Although, you were only saving her like five years of pointless experimenting, what’s the big deal?

Also, an official tip, don’t even bother asking your friends for tips or advice because they’ll use it as an opportunity to make the whole thing worse with tips like ‘Ask his dad if the banana falls far from the tree’ and ‘Compliment his mother’s tits, she has excellent tits, I’ve seen them before’.

By the end of the night this is how they see you:

download

-C.K

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