Apparently if enough time goes by we just magically forget how annoying our families are. It seems like time can actually just erase all the bad memories of your cousin writing on your face in permanent marker and your uncle drunkenly threatening to divorce his wife on the front lawn in front of the neighbours on Christmas eve. Some tips on how to make it through without pulling an Emily Dickinson and ending up in the fetal position waiting to be sectioned.
Step 1: Don’t sleep. Sleeping is the perfect opportunity for one of your siblings or cousins to take numerous unflattering photographs of you and compare them to someone cosmetically challenged with no sense of personal hygiene. Permanent marker and paint also come into play here…leaving you crying in the shower listening to a Coldplay song….not ideal.
Step 2: Watch a lot of Dr.Phil in preparation for all the counselling you’ll have to do over the holidays. Your cousin just announced he wants a sex change and you have to stop your extremely religious grandmother from killing herself. Trust me…it helps.
Don’t get drunk. Your family and friends will be drunk enough and….Get effed up. It’s the only way to survive the turbulent debating over who said what and where your still alive grandmother should be buried….although the more drunk you are, the more you run the risk of confessing you always thought the young Priest father Mark was a bit of a babe and you spent all your confirmation money on cigarettes just to see what all the hype was about.
Step 4: Sign up for therapy in advance of the holidays because spots get booked up quickly in January.
Step 5: Don’t get your hair cut out of boredom because it’s Christmas and you’ll find yourself being a little risky and bold with your choices…come late January you’ll realise the Miley Cyrus look you were going for is more of an alter boy thing with serious bowl cut influences.
Step 6: Don’t push for your folks to re-tell old family stories of you when you were a kid. When you’re older the stories seem a lot darker which normally leads to conversations like:
‘What do you mean dad ‘did time’? I thought he was in France’