The 3 very healthy techniques I use to avoid talking to people I don’t like.

1) The ‘I can’t see you’ manoeuvre.

You’re walking along, birds are singing and children are giggling. It’s a good day. You didn’t fall out of bed or drunkenly vomit on your new roommate last night, no, you got a good night sleep an you’re ready to take on the day. You even feel more energetic than normal. Maybe you’re getting younger?!? It all comes to a crashing halt when you see Laura ‘shit bag’ O’ Brian. She has noticed you. She’s coming towards you. Implement emergency evasive manoeuvre and run like a little bitch. This usually works. Healthy and not at all weird. Totally normal. Dr. Phil probably advises it. Yeah, so a few of those times you’ve fallen over and gashed your head of a wall, big whoop. Worth it. Four hours of A&E and the emotional trauma? Worth every second of avoiding that Sloth.

2) The ‘is my phone ringing’ step.

 We’ve all been there. Joe ‘Crazy horse’ Kenny is coming towards you and you’re not in the mood to figure out which of his personalities you’re talking to right now so instead you casually take out your phone and start talking. Except your attempt to be slick and casual is a total delusion and you’re more like:

‘HELLO? HI YOU. MAM. HI MAM. I’M SO BUSY. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. MAM. HOW ARE YOU? MAM. I AM JUST WALKING MAM. LOVE YOU MAM.’

All said exceptionally loudly and with crazy eyes just to be sure he heard you. Better hope you’re not that unfortunate loser who’s phone rings during…although what’s worse the phone ringing or the fact that Mad horse Joe now thinks you’re weird. When Joe thinks you’re weird, ya got problems.

3) The ‘Never talk to me again’ move.

It’s too late to run and your phone isn’t at hand. Plan C: actually talk to the subject despite your burning hatred for them. Only one way to act here: Bat shit crazy.

‘CHRISTINA! I haven’t seen you in forever! Why weren’t you at the class party?’ She asks, that bitch.

‘I was busy eating my hair that night. Hehe. Hair. I like yours. Real shiny.’

She walks away creeped out and avoids you from now on. Sound. But now all of your other friends avoid you too and your student’s union are doing an awareness day for Trichophagia and ask you to be a guest speaker.

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Meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time. Some blindingly obvious tips.

1) Think before you speak.

I know, painfully obvious right? Not when you accidentally start swearing like a sailor loudly on the phone while his entire family sits behind you in the dining room in disgust.

‘You did what? Haha, f*&% off, you mad Bas%*£$. Nah, just at the ‘ole ball and chains, yanno, like a f*&%in’ funeral home over here.’

2) Don’t always answer questions truthfully.

They want a nice Catholic girl for their son, one who bakes, loves children, dresses conservatively and enjoys reading cook books in her spare time. You don’t always have this in mind when you start a story of how your friend got on Heroin that Summer you spent in Rome.

‘See, she didn’t exactly become a crack whore, that’s a strong label, she only had sex for drugs maybe 3 times? I mean, come on, who are we to judge, I’ve probably done worse on a regular Saturday night.’

Good luck going back on that one when his mother has tears in her eyes and his granny is splashing you with holy water.

3) Don’t make thoughtless statements.

His mother is showing you around the house, making polite, feminine chit-chat. Things are finally starting to go a bit better and you can relax a little. She shows you her wedding album and you make all the right sounds ‘oh you look lovely’ or ‘Your hair is so stylish, even then’. Then she comments on how she still has the dress and if you and her precious little boy ever tied the knot you could wear the dress and you thoughtless respond ‘Ha, would they still let me wear white after the craic we’ve been at?’ and continue flicking the pages while she looks on horrified. Future mother in law? Not if she has anything to do with it.

4. Don’t give his family assumed nick names.

When his mother asks who’s putting the bins out?’ Best not to say something like ‘Big John is’.  Chances are his family don’t call him that and have probably never really addressed the fact that he is, well…big.

5. Don’t make assumptions and then use them as a source of conversation.

‘So when did you come out to everyone then Alice?’ Nobody knew his sister was gay. Not even her. And maybe she isn’t. Sure, you saw her look at some questionable things online earlier and she’s a little butch and appears to be angry at the world for some unknown reason but best keep that to yourself.  Although, you were only saving her like five years of pointless experimenting, what’s the big deal?

Also, an official tip, don’t even bother asking your friends for tips or advice because they’ll use it as an opportunity to make the whole thing worse with tips like ‘Ask his dad if the banana falls far from the tree’ and ‘Compliment his mother’s tits, she has excellent tits, I’ve seen them before’.

By the end of the night this is how they see you:

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-C.K

The stages you go through in the first week of January.

Stage one: The optimism, the hope.

You’re walking on a cloud, smiling at children, painting rainbows, baking friendship cookies and riding your unicorn into the sunset. It’s a new year, it’s a new you! The horror of last year has been left behind. Now you can barely even remember getting asked to leave your local nightclub after vomiting on that girl who’s name you don’t know! Nah, it’s all a distant memory because this year is gonna be different. THIS is your year! Think of all the A+s you’ll get! Think of all the new friends you’ll make! Think of how social you’ll be! You’ll finally start reading the books on your bucket list an being more adventurous.

Stage 2: Falling a little behind.

Yesterday you were on top of the world and you thought you’d feel the same today but it’s gotten off to a slower start. You don’t really feel like starting the bucket list today but maybe tomorrow. You’re still full of hope and optimism but first you just need a little rest, besides rest is good for your health anyways!

Stage 3: The dark days.

You haven’t showered in four or so days and you’ve had to get off the sofa a grand total of three times to yell at those bratty kids being loud outside. Your friends keep texting you to come out, those annoying bastards. Pushy as heck. Why even bother having friends? All they do is hassle you and take up emotional energy. Why were you even dumb enough in the first place to make friends? Seems so stupid now. You’ve had eight bowls of cereal already today and your hair looks like it’s masked in vegetable oil. Screw that though, screw hygiene, screw society, screw everything. You don’t have the attention span to read books either! Not when there are back to back episodes of Jerry Springer on.

Stage 4: Full circle.

Next thing you know you’re being asked to leave your local nightclub for vomming on that random girl.

-CK.

Four months of Facebook statuses and what they taught me about myself.

The statuses and the lessons I learned from them. 

I love reading all of these New Year statuses knowing you’ll all be lying in a pool of your own vomit mere hours from now! My hopes for the new year are pretty achievable I think: get my braces off and finally become a man, try not to cry when I read anything biochemistry related, to stop referring to people I know as ‘curly head’ or ‘tall guy’ and learn their actual names and to stop justifying my actions with lame catch phrases.

December 31st, 2013.

 

 

Two exams and three days to go and I can finally say I have hit rock bottom. I have reached that point of no return….the I better organise my pens, listen to every song ever, change religion, start practicing my new religion, stare at strangers out my bedroom window even when they see me, just cos and then laugh because biochemistry words are funny and bacteria are funny and everything is funny and I’m funny and the guy who just fell outside is funny and he sees me laughing and I don’t even feel bad. #PullingAnEmilyDickinson. #WhyWontTheseExamsEnd.

December 18th, 2013.

 

 

Exam stress has started to take it’s toll….I don’t think I can see colours anymore…does that make sense? Everything is just grey. Also I’m pretty sure I’ve aged more this last week than in the last 20 years..There is no light at the end of the tunnel..or tunnel…my tunnel is blocked with notes and books and haunting memories of previous exams…Slowly losing it…

December 9th, 2013.

 

 

My brain hates me. I know nothing about any of my modules but I did do a lot of googling to find out what ‘starships’ are and why they’re ‘meant to fly’. Before that I was looking and pics of cats. PROCRASTINATION AT IT’S WORST? OR BEST? HELP?

December 2nd, 2013

 

 

Kanye West’s latest video is beautiful. It’s nice to see that true chivalry still exists. I mean, getting her a drink after ahemming her over the sink, not many men think of how thirsty a woman can get. #RomanceisStillAlive. #Bound #SoJelOfThatKimK

November 26th, 2013.

If I meet one more asshole who is going as a ‘sexy (insert any profession or animal)’ as Halloween I may actually crack. Are you missing a chromosome or are you just unusually twat-like?

October 26th, 2013.

 

 

Not really feeling science anymore, I think I’m more of a basket weaving kinda gal. Science and I had a good run though.

October 17th, 2013.

 

You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you have endless pages of notes scattered all over the desk and the floor and you’ve got crazy eyes singing along to songs that frequently refer to ‘da club’. College: where dreams are made.

October 15th, 2013.

 

Ok so apparently apple pie isn’t one of your ‘five-a-day’ and apparently it’s totally ok to tell someone this while they’re innocently talking about their impressive apple intake. Also apparently it’s totally not ok to ask ‘what is it?’ when someone shows you a photo of their baby. #AwkwardDay

October 7th, 2013.

 

‘Phonecall home to the parents, that’ll cheer me up.’ Famous last words. When I asked ‘what is the new puppy like?’ My mam said: ‘He has an old fashioned face.’ Then dad chimed in: ‘yeah, he looks like he’s from the 60s’. Like…what?

September 24th, 2013.

 

You know your early semester procrastination has begun when you’re cleaning your laptop keyboard and trying to count your teeth with your tongue while your biochem notes are open in front of you. Week 3 and I have already forgotten how to be a person. If anyone needs me I’ll be hibernating in my room trying to see if I stay quiet enough can I hear my roommate breathing. A+++s coming my way!!

September 23rd, 2013.

 

1) Ok, the obvious one.I am clearly extremely passive aggressive in all of these, might need a few therapy sessions to get to the bottom of that but as the family motto goes ‘why get counselling when we can be hateful to those we love most?’

2) I clearly have some hostility towards my degree. I guess that all started when I found out Hogwarts wasn’t a real place and was shipped off to a muggle University before I could say ‘haven’t the foggiest.’

3) My hatred towards girls dressing as ‘sexy’ things for Halloween…come on…surely everyone but the neanderthal men out there hate this too? Sexy Crayon, like, really?!??! Sexy nerd, it’s just a normal gal wearing glasses and lingerie?!?

4) My apparently poor diet..how was I supposed to know apple pie wasn’t that healthy? I ain’t no doctor!

5) My apparent inability to successfully study without some form of mental breakdown or collapse…study is hard! Becoming Marie Curie obviously isn’t that easy! Especially not when you have the concentration level of a six year old.

6) My creepiness towards my roommates…I don’t even know why I think that’s ok. It’s hardly my fault I can hear them breathe through the walls.

7) My parents adding to the ridiculousness of my life. It’s hard to be normal when you’re being raised by Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand in Meet the Fockers.

 

I’ve chosen to leave a lot of lessons out because it’s important an healthy to be in denial about your issues, right? By the time I got to 7 I was rocking back and forth and calling out for my mamsy to hold me.

 

-CK.

Thing I have learned about having roommates part 2.

7) Don’t get drunk with them too early on.

Everyone says it’s a way of bonding, a great idea etc. It’s not. You wake up the next day smiling to yourself at the new-found bond you’ve created with your new roommate. You can’t remember all the details but you remember a lot of laughing. He is in the room beside you clearly remembering all the things you told him. You never did get over the death of your cat/soul-mate Mr. Smiggles and you still cry about it in the shower, the way you kind of, casually stalked a guy in your class for two solid years, even sneaking into his room while he was asleep, the way you aren’t entirely sure of your stance on the whole Life thing, the way you might, kind of be addicted to Neurofen, that time you had a thing for a guy who turned out to be your second cousin, the way you yelled everything you said. You can barely remember a thing he told you and he seems like a great guy. He’s in the room beside you emailing the Res office to request a room switch.

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8) Don’t get paranoid.

Seems simple, right? But it happens. You casually notice that you have less biscuits than you did yesterday and your milk looks about a mouthful lower than normal. Your mind starts to wander. Next thing you know it’s finals week, you’ve had no sleep for four days, eight cups of coffee, two energy drinks and a knife to the suspected roommate’s throat.

 

9) Don’t get too comfortable.

Nobody likes the guy who comes out of his room at 11pm in his onesie to make warm milk the way ‘mammy’ does it. Potential as being seen in any way sexual = ruined.

 

10) Don’t start to over-think things.

This happens really easily when you’ve been out three nights in a row and have been hung over every day for the last month. Your mind isn’t working properly, things are a little hazy, you’re thinking about specific things more than you normally would and you don’t even realise it. Your roommate states:

 ‘You look tired, are you ok?’

That smug, American Ba*$%&d is always commenting on how I look.

‘Are you feeling ok?’

Ha. Cheek of him. Now I look ill, do I Mike? That piece of sh%t. Who does he think he is? Look at him, eating that cereal like it’s goin’ out of fashion. Greedy twat.

Your friendly American roommate now thinks you’re a Jerry Springer case with anger issues. Congrats.

 

 

11) Don’t be too friendly at first.

Keep your distance at first, some people can be a little single white female when it comes to new friends. Don’t go in all guns blazing. Sure at first the cutesy ice cream dates, the kite flying and the dance lessons together all seem adorable. Try thinking that when she starts walking into your room without knocking, giving you unsolicited advice on bleaching your facial hair, referring to your boyfriend as ‘our boyfriend’ and waking up at 4am to her face pressed against yours. Try talking to her about it? Sure, go ahead, as long as you don’t mind being in a body bag hours from now. 

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The things I have learned about having roommates.

1) Never make assumptions.

Questions like ‘Oh is it laundry day?’ Upon seeing your female roommate somehow gets translated to ‘Oh, so you’re gonna dress real scruffy today? That’s cool’ when she is hormonal. Also situations like: ‘You must be my new roommate, are you Indian? That’s so cool!’ Don’t tend to go down well when the response is. ‘I’m from Carlow’.

2) Don’t think out loud.

Even if you normally do at home. At home people probably understand your sense of humour. At College, this isn’t always the case. Comments like ‘That’s soup? Jesus, looks like shit, doesn’t it?’ Never go down as planned. You’ll probably never think of it again but your roommate is silently plotting your death.

3) Living with boys is NOT the same as living with girls.

 When you’re having a bad day your female roommate will probably comfort you with a warm hug, some over-priced ice-cream and a movie. She’ll probably say things like: ‘I’ve been there!’ or ‘Should have seen me last week, I was so stressed out, I know how you feel, poor thing.’ A male roommate however will enter the living area and see the set of Carrie with some Steven King influences. He may not ‘get’ your mood and what will start as confusion will end with him in a corner holding up a chair as a weapon. This will only get worse when you wake up the next day in a great mood and enter the kitchen in a jolly skip. Expect him to flinch whenever you make sudden movements and expect him to mutter obscenities under his breath.

4) The walls are thin.

This usually won’t matter too much because students are realistic, tolerant and not very naïve. However it does matter when you and your boyfriend are jokingly messing around, fully clothed and laughing about something silly. It starts as you casually saying ‘I hate my feet’ and your boyfriend jokingly replying with ‘What? No? I love your feet, I just want to lather those babies up and feel them on my naked body.’ You know he’s joking but next door your roommate is sitting wide eyed, startled and mouthing the words ‘what the f*&$’ to himself.

5) Do some researching before deciding to live in Residences.

You’ve heard plenty of stories from friends and family. Your cousin lived with the nicest girl who baked, read to the blind and little birds dressed her in the morning. Everyone is just full of the happy clappy stories about wonderful roommates who touched their hearts and changed their lives but nobody mentions the semester they spent in fear for their life next to John ‘night terrors’ Murphy. He’s tried to kill you at least once in his sleep and you’ve started to lie about where you’re getting your injuries from. Another thing no one ever mentions is the angelic girl who bakes cookies for the homeless and leaves fresh flowers out every day broke up with her boyfriend mid semester and turned into a mix of Girl interrupted and a member of the Brady Bunch off set and on acid. Nobody mentioned any of these things!

6) Never say ‘what’s mine is yours’.

It starts out easy to handle. She’s borrowed your hoodie and doesn’t she look adorable in it!? Ha. Oh her. Then it gets a little more pushy. A towel here, a t-shirt there then one day as she’s bending down to pick something up you notice the black lace ribbon showing from her underwear. ‘That’s just like mi-’. Told ya, never say it.

Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to never experience any of these! If you have only ever had great roommates though, that’s because you’re the asshole. You are the all of the above. You are the ‘do you mind if I have a slice of the birthday cake you baked for your mother?’ Kind of roommate.

hey-roommate-i-really-appreciate-all-the-love-youve-been-putting-into-our-space

– C.K

The highlights of my Christmas holidays to date (in order of most scarring).

1) Christmas dinner. Normally a joyous occasion filled with laughter and a trip down memory lane. This came to a crashing end five minutes in when my nine year old cousin stabbed my ten year old cousin in the hand with a fork. That would have been fine if anyone was sober enough to prevent the riot that followed. We call one of my cousins ‘The strangler’ now.

2) The family visits. Since I have returned home from the holidays every single member of my extended family has decided to visit. The house has become a museum. I may or may not have developed Arthritis from all of the cups of tea I’ve made.

3) Mass. I haven’t actually attended any mass but everyone and their granny have asked me if I went to mass, what mass I went to, who the priest was etc. I thought Molly was en vogue right now but I guess it’s mass. Now that I know I’ll grab my neon hoodie, grillz and head down first thing tomorrow to connect with the young folk.

4) People asking me how my degree is going and what it’s like to study science. I get exam flashbacks of myself waking up in a cold sweat and trying to remember random facts about Proteobacteria and then sob violently for half an hour yelling: ‘WHY GOD? WHY ME?’ So I try and reply with something like ‘yeah, you know, really interesting, it’s never one made me suicidal and that’s really something.’

5) The amount of times I’ve asked. ‘Is he actually related to me?’ While being ashamed of one family member or another.  Followed by the: ‘sure he could be adopted for all we know. He doesn’t even look like me.’

6) The amount of times someone has used the ‘sure it’s Christmas’ excuse to get very drunk and aside from the beverages, observing your cousins milking Christmas for everything it’s worth and sticking to their two main food groups: anything coated in chocolate and anything dipped in cheese.

7) The number of times someone has forgotten that one of my great aunts or uncles is alive and said something along the lines of ‘God rest their soul’ only to be shot evils from everyone in the room.

8) One of my family members calling out every and any other name before they get to mine. ‘Colin, Chris, Jack, John, feck Christina, whatever your name is. C’mere.’

9) Over hearing one of your cousins talk about how you’ve gained weight and how the word on the street is ‘the lights are on but there’s nobody home’.

10) And finally waking up on Christmas morning to find your dog standing suspiciously next to the over turned tree and torn up gifts. Must have been the cat.

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-C.K

Surviving the holidays…

Apparently if enough time goes by we just magically forget how annoying our families are. It seems like time can actually just erase all the bad memories of your cousin writing on your face in permanent marker and your uncle drunkenly threatening to divorce his wife on the front lawn in front of the neighbours on Christmas eve. Some tips on how to make it through without pulling an Emily Dickinson and ending up in the fetal position waiting to be sectioned.

Step 1: Don’t sleep. Sleeping is the perfect opportunity for one of your siblings or cousins to take numerous unflattering photographs of you and compare them to someone cosmetically challenged with no sense of personal hygiene. Permanent marker and paint also come into play here…leaving you crying in the shower listening to a Coldplay song….not ideal.

Step 2: Watch a lot of Dr.Phil in preparation for all the counselling you’ll have to do over the holidays. Your cousin just announced he wants a sex change and you have to stop your extremely religious grandmother from killing herself. Trust me…it helps.

Step 3: Don’t get drunk. Your family and friends will be drunk enough and….Get effed up. It’s the only way to survive the turbulent debating over who said what and where your still alive grandmother should be buried….although the more drunk you are, the more you run the risk of confessing you always thought the young Priest father Mark was a bit of a babe and you spent all your confirmation money on cigarettes just to see what all the hype was about.

Step 4: Sign up for therapy in advance of the holidays because spots get booked up quickly in January.

Step 5: Don’t get your hair cut out of boredom because it’s Christmas and you’ll find yourself being a little risky and bold with your choices…come late January you’ll realise the Miley Cyrus look you were going for is more of an alter boy thing with serious bowl cut influences.

Step 6: Don’t push for your folks to re-tell old family stories of you when you were a kid. When you’re older the stories seem a lot darker which normally leads to conversations like:

‘What do you mean dad ‘did time’? I thought he was in France’

Step 7: Actually…just don’t go home for the holidays, grab a cheap flight somewhere far, far away.Image